Monday, April 9, 2018

Why Cheaters Cheat

by StillStanding1

I was thinking again about why. Why cheaters cheat. Why they plow forward with the awful choices that end up inflicting so much harm on people they profess to care about. You’ve read my theory about there being childhood trauma and/or family dysfunction, because hurt people, hurt people. It’s a neat and tidy theory, that for my own experience, pretty much explains everything. It’s comforting because theories that explain everything and pack experiences or problems into neat little boxes feel like answers. And if there is one thing we want after D-Day, it's answers.
But I kept thinking, because affairs happen in good marriages, as well as dysfunctional ones. People cheat even when there is no obvious or identifiable trauma. My “answer” became less neat and tidy. While my theory addresses a sizable portion of the why, it doesn’t address it all. There is probably no single unified theory of the why. Curious, I went back and started re-reading Peggy Vaughn’s The Monogamy Myth. She goes into some other factors that I think are worth revisiting, because it may help give some additional insight.
Environment. I’m thinking particularly of work environments in this case. I know it was a factor for both my ex and myself. His old company, the one where the cheating happened, was a hard-partying, self-gratifying, entitled and “look at our glamourous NY lifestyle” crowd. There was a ton of fooling around among coworkers regardless of marital status. When it is happening all around you and everyone is indulging in “what makes them happy” and you are not mindful about your own soft spots, you may end up making choices you later regret.
Power and wealth. My ex experienced some wild success at that terrible company and I am 100% sure that the power and prestige went to his head. I am 100% sure that he seemed infinitely more attractive in his power suit, his crazy ability to sell and his prominent position with that company and that the person he ultimately chose to have sex with was probably not the only person to make an attempt at mate poaching. (I also am 100% sure if they’d had to put up with his farting while watching the TV in his grotty sweatpants on a Saturday night, he would have seemed significantly less appealing). And power is not always about big NY money and an Executive VP title. It could be a smaller, out of the way place where someone experiences relatively big success or has a large sphere of public presence and influence. Being a recognizable figure in a small town can have just the same effect on someone who is looking to have their ego stroked.
Peers.The people you choose to spend time with, especially if you are still a person who cares a lot about what other people think of you, can influence your choices. If the people our spouses choose to spend time with encourage drinking and flirting and maintain a “what happens with the guys, stays with the guys” kind of attitude, they may find themselves having their values (if they think about them) compromised over time. This erosion eventually leaks into their own behavior and choices. And peers can often encourage this bad behavior because subconsciously it endorses their own. If you hang out with assholes, you turn into an asshole.
Society. Our western society encourages lies and sneaking when it comes to sex. We’re not supposed to have it or enjoy it as a teen but we know that statistically most do. They just sneak and hide it. That behavior sticks into adulthood. There is a lot of shame around sex and who’s having it. When a person is hiding an affair from a spouse, they are continuing behavior learned as a teen. Society also encourages problematic views of gender, roles and sexuality, all of which play into problematic behaviors when it comes to dealing with and making healthy choices about sex.
Family of origin. I must go back to family of origin. Even in otherwise functional families, if a child was not ever challenged to think about the impact of their choices on others; if a child was perhaps doted on and indulged rather than having to face the reality that you don’t always get what you want, the individual may grow up to be entitled and focused on his own entertainment and stimulation, rather than a true sense of happiness and fulfillment. Maybe there was a lot of love but also some terrible examples when it came to boundaries. Bad boundaries can lead to some unhealthy choices.
And finally – Opportunity. Some people, when faced with the opportunity to cheat, do so without really thinking too much about it. It’s there. They are used to thinking in an entitled way about sex or “happiness” or they like how the attention makes them feel and down the slope they go. Because of the fairy-tale ideals we are told about marriage, many have never thought through how they would handle such a situation and so they act on impulse. They were not aware they even had to be mindful of keeping certain kinds of people at an appropriate distance.
Ultimately, (and in a much more inclusive theory) cheating comes down to environment and opportunity. There is a remarkable number of influences in the environment that set the stage for infidelity. There is a tragically large amount of opportunity in the form of people mindlessly responding to impulse and those influences. And finally, there is a society that endorses it, by glamorizing affairs and being titillated by it. At the same time the public decries it and silences those most impacted.
What makes the difference for us, here, is that we now know, fully, how painful this is. We understand the impact of all those environmental influences, factors and choices. Hopefully, if your relationship is on the mend, your partner is becoming increasingly mindful of the factors that influenced their choices and you are both working on negotiating what your relationship looks like moving forward. And if your relationship has or is coming to an end, you are armed with this newfound knowledge. I am no longer making assumptions about monogamy. It will be negotiated and revisited; what is ok and not ok with me made clear. I encourage you to do the same.



24 comments:

  1. They cheat because they are low life scum!!

    Cheating is a cop out. My husband's whores were at an age - mid 30s where - biological clock ticking, no man of their own and thought taking someone else's husband and father is a good easy option. Easy when you have a mentally unstable man you are pursuing. As for the low life scum man whore of my husband, he felt "left out" as he started cheating when the kids where little. So whilst I was busy up all hours of the night tending to the babies and not getting any help from him despite me asking him numerous times to help - he didn't want to be bothered... then turns around saying he felt neglected!!! WTF??? What about me feeling neglected from you? (The MC couldn't get through to him on this one).
    So here I was doing everything 24/7 and he had the damn cheek to sook about it? Maybe if he had of stepped up and been a supportive husband and father, I wouldn't have been so tired and would have had time and desire to be with him. He wasn't just a sperm donor. This was supposed to be a marriage - a family that we wanted, to be shared together.
    He is a selfish entitled man who fits every description you gave above SS1.
    We are human beings first, and if sex is all they can find fulfilling in their lives, it show's a complete lack of resilience and authenticity as a human.
    I'm glad I have many friends and many varied interests in life...and if ever I decide to have another relationship, I will not be offering sex until I know they are worthy of having my mind and body.
    And BTW. I'd love to know the stats here. Where husbands cheated ie work, friends etc.
    Mine cheated at work and there is just too much time spent at work. Instead of work places doing things outside work hours to build working relationships, they should be giving time off to strengthen family relationships. Work time should be just for work, they have our husbands enough, so leave family time for families. There should be no after hours work functions or if so, the wife should be invited. Strong family values need to be brought back into society.
    Hugs
    Gabby xo

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    1. :) yes yes and yes. Where is the male dive to protect and care for his family? Us wives do it all and so do they feel worthless? so do they go get an ego boost from the equally selfish female at work to compensate? Take your kids on a hike, plan a fishing trip, get off your phone and be a father and a MAN if you feel worthless at home. Man up and put your heart and soul into your families boys!!! You're not special if the hot girl at work chats you up. You are something special if you politely tell her that your family is everything and you would never risk hurting your wife by engaging in a meaningless romance with a stranger.

      I bet about 5% of our male population would say something like this. The rest would have varying levels of emotional and sexual affairs with the hot coworker. Foolish man boys.

      Blindsided.

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  2. Wow ss1, it’s just like the nurture v nature debate. All the above are important factors of why people cheat along with their upbringing. You’ve smashed this one ss1, I could read yours and Elle’s post all day every day. Thank you thank you thank you xxx

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  3. Elle, I've nominated you for the One Lovely Blog Award. You've helped so many xo

    https://sexaddictionrecovery820271549.wordpress.com/2018/04/10/one-lovely-blog-award/

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  4. Yes to the whole post! I’m just glad my h decided to change his behavior!

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  5. I can understand how someone else's attention can make us feel so good about ourselves. I've been in that position. I never cheated on my husband but I talked about this person and it hurt my husband. It had gotten to a point at work that when this person came around I would leave because it started to make me feel uncomfortable and I wasn't going to do anything to loose my family. My husband had shared this info with the OW and she used it against me in a vile text she sent me. In my husband's case. This happened at work too but I worked there with them and she waited until I left to make her moves on him. Except I knew that she was texting him. At first it was work related but then the text messages turned to emails where they were more personal in her feelings for him and I didn't know about them until I had gone looking for them after D-day. She would send him kissy faces on his text messages. To this day he hates emoji's. Gabby mentioned something about their biological clock ticking, and that is exactly what this OW in our lives was looking for, a husband and a baby even though she had a fiance at home that she left to go after my husband a few weeks before anything happened between them. I found her pinterest page and she had been pinning "how to get pregnant fast and was planning her wedding to my husband not her fiance and another tip off was the manager of the restaurant came and asked me what I thought about a wedding reception held in an old converted barn. She was a big country music fan. We had been friends on Facebook which she quickly blocked me on both after I found out. My husband's affair lasted less then 10 days but this woman had been planning this since the day we walked into that restaurant to work. So part of me thinks that anyone can get caught up in the flattery and realize that has gone to far and aren't sure how to get out of it gracefully. And other times like in our instance, it's a crazy person with an obsession who with the help of other people manipulates a situation to get the outcome of destroying other peoples families all awhile claiming so much love for their family. And that makes me believe that this woman was dealing with childhood issues and what ever mental health issues she suffered from like narcissism. She was quite the story teller and liar. I think that they go hand in hand in every affair.

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    1. Yes! Th OW had the balls to call all of her affair partners narcissists while she herself claimed the top prize.
      Blindsided

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  6. These are all exactly my husband. No family trauma etc for him. But all of these fit. He also has cited wanting to escape responsibility and adulthood. He had incredible success in his career at a fairly young age. None of it makes me feel better about what he did but it helps in the end. And most of all it has helped him see why he did it. He too feels there is no valid reason to do anything he did but we cannot go back and undo his actions. All we can do is go forward with awareness.

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    1. Hopeful 30, do you and your husband still have your weekly talks? If so, what do you talk about? If not, how did you decide they were no longer necessary/helpful?

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    2. Beach Girl, We do not have weekly talks. I would say the ended/stopped being scheduled once we were both proactive about bringing up issues/concerns. Also once we were past the major pain. There was also a point where they shifted away from affair talk to relationship/marriage talk. And honestly we talk about our marriage almost every day. Sometimes in a positive way and other times where each of us sees a need to improve. And lastly every day life has been hectic with the kids.

      I find there is always that place of limbo of wanting to move on and put it all in the past yet it hangs over me. Some days more than others. Most days I embrace it and feel lucky but some days especially this long winter/spring it is hard. I personally feel guilt about it since he is so loving and expressive of his strong feelings towards me/us. Then here I am with a million less than great thoughts running through my head.

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    3. Hopeful 30, thanks for your response. My husband is also very loving, kind and thoughtful. He tells me he loves me all the time. He tells me he appreciates everything I do for him/us. It is nice to know that I'm not the only one with those million and one negative thoughts. Sometimes I just feel so alone and lonely. There are many times when I am able to enjoy myself 99% but there is always that distrust lurking underneath. I still find myself waiting for that other shoe to drop which is exhausting. The lack of trust in him is painful. My husband has told nobody except me and his former therapist. He has not ventured out "with the guys" overnight since D-day. A year or so ago he was asked and he told his friend, "I can't go because wife and I are having some challenges." I told my new therapist that yesterday and she asked me, "How did it feel to have him throw you under the bus?" I was shocked and told her I didn't really think of his response that way to which she replied, "How about if he said, "friend" I can't do that because I was unfaithful to my wife for many years and I used you to cover for my acting out. I have a lot to atone for and am not sure if I will ever be willing to go off again, especially if it threatens my marriage. My wife did nothing and it is all my fault." I said that would have felt validating and she agreed. She said, he is not being honest with himself or anyone because he is still in "image control". Until he is honest about what he did and how he acted your pain will not go away. Much to think about my friend.

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  7. I thought about his why's so many times and it was so hard to understand. I wanted for it to make sense but they never would as I'm not him. I was trying to make sense from my point of view. I think for him was work environment, peers,family of origin and opportunity. his original excuse, "I was horny and free action " he figured out pretty quickly after DDay there is nothing free. She meant nothing yet he continued his behavior for a year with someone damaged enough to also get in bed with his good friend. We are almost a year and a half into it and the pain is something we have struggled with. when I think we are better, something reminds me of it. at first the pain scared me and I felt guilty but now I accept it. pain is necessary to change. change is necessary to be better. I don't hate that woman. I'm actually thankful for her little melt down when my husband pushed her aside like trash. He told her that she might think she loves him, but how can she love someone she doesn't really know? These women don't have our husbands. they have an empty shell that constantly needs to be filled in order for their fantasy to work. They have nothing and settle for less. They are not worth our anger. We are worth so much more and our husbands weren't strong enough to hold that worth because they didn't know theirs.

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    1. So true! It's hard tho as you know... to sit with that pain. It's a year now for me. One year. And I struggle with how much he gave her. Yes there was no future with her but he still gave her all of him. Cooking, babysitting, sleepovers, cuddling, renovations. A second wife and too tired to be present in his real life with his real kids. Now he is fully engaged. Sure... Until when?

      Blindsided.

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  8. Mine cheated with strippers. He went to the clubs and eventually supported a 22 years old..who was 30 years younger than him. These were his reasons after each discovery.

    1. His colleague asked him to go hang out
    2. He felt neglected and that I didn't care. I was overloaded with kids and work at the time.
    3. I didn't talk to him and the stripper listened.

    After DDay and promised not to go..He went..

    4. He slipped and should not have gone.. Apologized

    5. He was bored and didn't know why

    6. He's last time...He went to bid farewell and for closure.

    Wonder what he would come up with...I said he would have to tell my lawyer next.

    FedUp

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  9. SS1,
    As usual, you have nailed it. I have spent the last 2 years coming to the conclusions you list in such a clear and concise manner. It appears I experienced the perfect storm as far as husbands go. 1. Environment: my H is a pilot. who goes on overnight trips. in fancy hotels. with flight attendants. (mic dropped). 2. Power and wealth: my H started out in our marriage making less than me (I'm a teacher) and qualifying for government assistance (pilots at the beginning of their careers make less than 18K per year). At the point of the affairs, he had risen to the top of his competitive field and was making more money than most people can. (please read between the lines that I would trade every penny to be back on a tight budget with a husband who was faithful.) 3. Peers: Just before the affairs, my H had befriended some lousy guys. The kind that keep these kinds of secrets. the kinds that buy the drinks while it's going on and want to hear the whole story later with explicit detail so they can laugh. I had a sweet, kind friend say to me, "I'm surprised you are OK with your H being friends with this person." I replied that I felt sorry for this misguided friend and thought my H could be a "good influence". --queue the unicorns and rainbows. oops. big oops. 4. Society: My H's mom actually counted his underwear as a 13 year old and called him out on possibly masturbating when he threw some away (masturbating is against God in her opinion). He learned from an early age to hide all sex stuff from the "woman in his life". 5. Family of Origin: see above (yikes), but my H was an only child. His grandmother lived with them and she would heat his clothes in the dryer on cold mornings. When we were dating and he was in his mid twenties, his mom and grandma were still packing his bags for his work trips. They were both convinced that my H was headed toward professional sports (not even close), and if I listen carefully today, I can almost see the glitter in the air when his family members describe him. 6. Opportunity: My H, as a pilot at the top of his career, has explained that it is not uncommon for flight attendants in their 20s to grab his crotch under the table, play footsie with his crotch, or ask him to join them in the hotel hot tub in their underwear. Awesome. The first one-night-stand was with a 28 year old flight attendant (H was 44) who was "so attentive" and worried about some post-surgical scars my H had from having little benign growths removed on his arms and legs. She wanted to "kiss them all to make them better." She wondered if he "had any more that weren't visible." Ironically, this occured on a trip with the work friend (superior position) that egged that kind of thing on, bought all the drinks for both parties, and normalized the behavior (peers, environment, power and wealth, and society all converge with this opportunity!) These facts all still make me sick, but this is my H's story. This is how he managed to do what he did. The other story is mine. How I manged to do what I did.How I managed to not murder these women or him. How I managed to survive and grow and expand my resilience. I'm sure it has to do with my environment, my humility, my peers, my views on society, my family of origin, and YES, my lack of opportunity to make a choice that is less than beneficial to the people in my family (too busy!). Thank you, SS1 for putting all this together. It really is worth noting how these things happen.

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  10. Gabby, my h worked with the skank. It’s pretty common, I guess. Shared time, shared experiences. And mine also talked about feeling “left out”. It’s true, the girls and I did a lot of things together. But he could have been much more a part of our daily lives if he had chosen. He worked all the time, and I know now that he wasn’t always at work. He has a drinking problem, and he’d go to his watering hole. Or he’d talk/text with the skank. He said he didn’t feel needed, but the girls and I would have been thrilled if he had made more of an effort to be with us. It always felt like a special treat when he did. I realize now how screwed up that was. We had busy, busy lives - but his time away from us was at least as much his doing as mine. Couldn’t make it home me for dinner, couldn’t make it to church, couldn’t help with this or come to that....
    SS, your discussion of Vaughn’s work is great, and I think it’s all on the mark. But don’t forget the good old-fashioned cliche: the midlife freakin’ crisis. He feels old, he hasn’t accomplished what he thought he would, he’s in a rut, he and his wife have fallen into familiar, boring patterns, he’s depressed- and here comes a 27-year-old skank to tell him how sexy and strong and handsome he is, and how much he deserves to be happy. She strokes his ego, she plays helpless, brave little damsel to his heroic knight. And he decides to jettison everything that should have been sacred and special to him to embrace the fantasy. Like Arabian Nights, new lamps for old, he trades away the real treasure for the cheap new thrill.
    Selfish, shallow, immature people.
    BTW, saw a good meme yesterday: “Cheat on a good woman, and karma makes sure you end up with the bitch you deserve.” For sure!
    Let’s hope some of the husbands on here, for whom it is not yet too late, realize the treasure they have before they trade it for trash.

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    1. :) :) nodding my head Yes!! While reading.
      Blindsided

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  11. For my husband it was wanting to feel good about himself, wanting someone to admire him, going hand in hand with hiding anything that would not look good (financial problems, porn etc, so deception part of impression management.) His mother praised him unconditionally while his father was the opposite - critical so a dynamic was set up where he sought that unconditional praise but avoided criticism. Unfortunately I was supportive but would not avoid bringing up issues and came from a background of straight talking which would not have gone down well with my husband (not that I'm taking responsibility.) but I don't think my husband has had confidence in either my feelings for him or that I don't see him as a failure. My husband was very successful early too Hopeful 30, a rising star in his first company but since he went into a series of his own start-ups things have not gone well and he's had to face feelings of failure and inadequacy. Writing this is actually helping me piece things together. He was always very flirty as well and my husband's misdemenours have been inappropriate friendships with women up to a full blown emotional ready to leave affair. He says that IC is peeling away even more layers. The deception is the habit of a lifetime so it remains to be seen if he can change round from what is really the crux of what is endangering our potential future.

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  12. I thought about this post for a long time even though I posted earlier on here. The OW in our affair ruled that restaurant like she was a queen. And she had the flying monkeys do her biding. She was in charge of doing the scheduling so that gave her more power over everyone. She had left her fiance a few weeks before she slept with my husband and she moved into a house with a gay male friend who owned this house, was minutes away from the restaurant and also worked with us. These women that helped her try and destroy my marriage would all take their married boyfriends their to sleep with them. So gross to think about. This is where my husband slept with her. They left work during their shift had sex and went back to work like nothing ever happened. I always wondered how this happened so fast, I found out later that she was slipping him ecstasy masking it with sugar in the coffee she brought him. But I also found out that she was, in her words" going to have a baby and they were going live together for ever and ever. I had found her pin on pinterest on how to get pregnant fast. She had planned this around her cycle knowing that giving him that drug would make him want to be with her since they worked close together. I know that she experimented with different strengths of it because of something that he had said to me before this mess happened. The day that he tried to end his life after he slept with her a third time and I found out these women lost total control over the whole situation and when my daughter and I showed up at the restaurant to confront all of them they went running to chief of this small Indian Nation, saying I threatened them and I got a letter of restraint sent to me from the American Indian Alliance. I framed it for awhile and then I burned it. But it still didn't end there. Their HR people kept calling me. I wouldn't step foot anywhere near that reservation because I didn't trust their chief nor did my husband. A few months later when I put my daughter in the hospital for wanting to harm herself I wrote a letter to this HR person and gave details of everything that happened there. Needless to say it caused a lot of problems for them for a short time. But their social environment for generations allowed the switching of spouses. It became common practice which is really sad. This is a very small reservation (1000 people or less) and they joke about all being related to one another. Which again is very sad. But you are right on hurt people hurt people, the environment, and all the other things posted above. In all of this I don't hate these people for what they did to us, I truly feel sorry for them and it's taken me along time to feel that way

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  13. Stellar post again SS1--OH those work situations! That did not cause my husband's downfall--his drinking, his shame, his fascination with sex workers since he was a child, all lead up to his encounters with whores, in a country where it was legal, and then on to craigslist at home where he swears no money was exchanged (well, bully for him, eh?) But those workplaces--I despise christmas/office parties where there is no plus one, those are NOTHING but trouble. I almost got myself into big trouble at one years and years ago and I myself stopped going to them after that. But what is the difference? I am a wounded creature too, I did not have the world's best upbringing, I made some terrible choices when I was young, but when I made a promise to my H, i kept them. Why the heck do some of us grow up and others don't?

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    1. That’s a million pound question steam, one I keep asking myself. Please let me know anyone if you have the answer : ) xx

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    2. Steam. I hear you!! Yep. You are so right. Plenty of us have not had the best upbringing, but when we made that promise, we made it for real and for life. We were grown up then and now we realise our husbands were not! ....I wont get started on work - and those Christmas parties....conferences......work trips.
      Hugs
      Gabby xo

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    3. To some marriage is a lifestyle... a chosen one. To others it's what comes after dating someone for a while. My husband may have said the promise to me but he never really new it's impact or reward in it. It was a rule and to him all rules can be broken given some rationale.
      Blindsided

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  14. Phoenix, you know and I know your ex h will regret his decision to be with his trash for the rest of his life. Selfish, shallow and immature indeed. You my love are the cream of the crop. : ) xxx

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