Separating or Divorcing, Page 2 (yep, page 1 is FULL)

Say what you're thinking, ladies!

205 comments:

  1. Hey Anon 10/3 from other page. Sorry you are going through this. It sounds like your h and my h are operating from the same handbook. Flip flop, confused etc. Mine pushed for the separation, running from problems and guilt if you ask me... However, it been hard but also good for me. We are embarking on month three of a six month. My only advice to you is try your hardest not to get sucked into his drama. It is so hard not to put undue weight on any little positive, but just try not to ride all the ups and downs. Just read my past posts to see how not fun the roller coaster is. Better if you can focus on yourself and what you need right now to take care of you.
    As for the in laws, I'd recommend caution, don't create any unhealthy triangles, limit what you share but accept any appropriate support. They can't fix this either, though they may want to and their involvement may just complicate things at best. Good luck and come back here for support when you can. Hugs!!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you, Still Standing. Our separation is supposed to be one month, with an option to extend. I will go and read about your roller coaster ride! I hope the next part goes smoothly for you. As for the in laws, I resent having to second guess everything I say these days, but I don't want to reveal things my h may not have mentioned to his parents. I guess my message to them is: 'I have hope we can work on this' and 'You will definitely see your granddaughter'. And yes, I do also need to beware of getting over enthusiastic at little signs of hope... such as a heartfelt smile.

      Delete
  2. If anyone has advice about meeting the parents-in-law (they just heard of my h's actions and are shocked), I'd be really grateful. (Further details of the current situation at end of previous section)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey Anon, re meeting the inlaws. First, you get to decide if you want to/are ready to have that meeting. You are allowed to tell them no or not yet or whatever you need. I don't know what your relationship is like with them, but you get to decide if it is something you want or need or not.
      If you decide to meet, set a time limit. For your own sake. They are probably reeling and will be asking questions you don't have answers too. They may want to apologize for their sons' behavior, but that is not their job and they can't fix it. be prepared to draw any lines in the sand and also consider that anything you say to them, may get back to him. This is not a good thing. Think long term about the consequences to your relationship with them and him and look out for you first and foremost. My measuring stick for interactions is always, "will I look back at this and be proud of how I handled myself?"
      My Mother in law lives with me in an attached in law suite (yikes, I know!) and my h and I are currently separated. I'e had to work really hard at creating and maintaining appropriate boundaries with her because this has been traumatic for her too, granted, but also her emotional flailing has hurt our progress more than it has helped until I was able to get her un-enmeshed from my day to day. Again, I don't know your inlaws, but chances are they are bringing some unhealthy emotional behaviors to the table, given the situation. I am sure they mean well and the intent is all good. But don't hesitate to cut off any lines of conversation that are not their business or that you are not comfortable with. You can simple say, "I'm not ready to talk about that now." "Or I'd prefer not to talk about that."
      This even happens in my circle of friends who know my situation when we hang out. So my goal is still to reconcile and some folks, with the best of intentions, start talking about my H and saying bad things and I interrupt them. "Look, I still love my h and hope to have things work out, so I'd rather not talk about X. Thank you." Surpisingly, no one has died when I've told them no. (Weird, right?!)
      Believe in yourself, put your own oxygen mask on first, be kind to yourself.

      Delete
  3. So helpful, thank you. I met them during a lunch break in a public place so we were all very civilised and no tears were shed (just glistening in MIL and my eyes at different stages). They are good people, but as you say, my primary concern is with the 'man' I married. I was glad to see them though, so they are reassured about their grandchild. They've offered to watch her for an afternoon so h and I can talk things over. As our 'separation' has begun, I'm not holding my breath that he will be capable of discussion with me any time soon- but it was nice of them to offer. And now, time to step back and really put my needs to the fore for a while (in between diaper changing...)

    ReplyDelete
  4. So helpful, thank you. I met them during a lunch break in a public place so we were all very civilised and no tears were shed (just glistening in MIL and my eyes at different stages). They are good people, but as you say, my primary concern is with the 'man' I married. I was glad to see them though, so they are reassured about their grandchild. They've offered to watch her for an afternoon so h and I can talk things over. As our 'separation' has begun, I'm not holding my breath that he will be capable of discussion with me any time soon- but it was nice of them to offer. And now, time to step back and really put my needs to the fore for a while (in between diaper changing...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous, please be careful with the inlaws. There is a chance, if your husband is like mine and has HUGE family of origin issues, they could turn on you. I did not act well with my H's sister, and I demanded that my H tell his mother as I did not want to dodge her phone calls when we were seperated and I also did not want to cover for the hellish things he had done (it was the worst side of me trying to get some control back when everything was out of my control--i regret both actions but don't know what else I could have done at the time-i was crazed) His mother, within DAYS accused ME of cheating when i ignored her phone calls asking if he had slept with either a friend of mine, or if he slept with another MAN. To say things were ugly is an understatement. Because his mother thought it was her job to inform the family (via what we call the 'press release" that went out to people who had NO business knowing our private life) we were unable to go through our initial separation with privacy, and MANY of his family members were just too embarrassed to even reach out to either of us (we live far away from them all) and although i KNOW it was not meant to be hurtful, it hurts that I feel abandoned by them--they could not even reach out to say "i'm sorry for what you are going through". I cut his mother off, his sister cut me off and his cousin who i have always really liked just sort of faded away. I dont know how we could all be in a room together anymore, that's how abandoned I feel by all of them. On the upside, I have always had boundaries with his mom that i relaxed around the holidays, and this year, as we are embarking on a reconciliation within a month, my boundary stays in place and i will have no part in her holiday insanity. anyway, sorry to make this about me, but I hope it helps you. I am in awe of those of you with kids and go through this.

      Delete
    2. Thanks Steam. Yes I'm being really careful (I do think h has issues with his childhood too). I woke up from a nap on Sunday to learn that h had invited his parents over for coffee (due to arrive 10mins after I woke up, so no time to scarper). We all ended up focusing on the baby and making smalltalk. So awkward. I am NEVER going to get into a situation like that again!

      Delete
    3. Steam, how are you? I've been so wrapped up in my own stuff, I blew right past the delicious morsel of crossed fingers hope in your post. You are embarking on a reconciliation next month. My prayers and good vibes coming your way for getting somewhere good. I'd love to hear how you got to this point and how you plan to handle, manage reconciliation. Anything hopeful helps me keep my motivation and I'd also love to be cheering you on (as much or as little as you want t to share). High fives lady!

      Delete
    4. Still Standing! Thanks! I am a WRECK. LOL. I really cannot handle this household and my business and our business alone. He was coming back in January, but since we are going to embark on our yearly out of towner on thanksgiving ( we were going to regardless if we were a "couple" or not, that's been the plan--weird and complicated i know) , we will only be in "real life" mode here for a couple of weeks before we leave.. I am really really hating this limbo and just want to get on with it. Not very thoughtful, I know, but I'd actually just rather know if it's going to work or not. Our times together, outside of one time , have all gone quite well, really well. I am mentally and physically drained and I'd rather just stay in bed all weekend to tell you the truth, but I had to make a decision on if the car gets fixed, i go to therapy or the cat goes to the vet for a check up (he's not sick). There are a limited amount of hours in the day and if he were here i could go to therapy, he could handle the cat and the car--sooooo I am being pretty pragmatic right now. I need him around to help and be a part of this "team" we created. If it doesn't work then at least I will be prepared this time, not just to kick him out for good if he acts up, or not just to split up if it doesn't work out, but I will know exactly where I need help. It's taken me months to figure it out. I'm ready, I think for the next right step, if only to see if it IS the right next step. I know it's not a lot to cheer about right now, but i SO appreciate your support!!

      Delete
  5. Hi, quck shout out to Sam A. I had posted (or attempted to post) a birthday yeehaw! to you but messed it up some how. So happy belated bday. Hope you made it awesome ( I have no doubt you did). Don't sweat forty. I'm turning 47 later this month and the view from here is pretty good. Still less than halfway through your life. (Me too. I plan on making it to 104).
    Also, I went to the zoo yesterday. It was a good time. Today I spent $50 on cupcakes and flowers for me and the kids. Now it is almost wine-o-clock. Happy Friday!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Still Standing, I love you. You are amazing. And I totally agree with every bit of advice you laid out here.
    Anonymous, and be prepared for them not to get it. My mother-in-law wept and held me, not my husband, yet never expressed any amount of disappointment and her son. My father-in-law, simply said… It is over, move on from here. Later, I spoke to my mother-in-law and said you never told your son that you were disappointed in him? She said, because I love him unconditionally. Well there you have it. Being disappointed and someone's behavior and loving them unconditionally can go hand-in-hand. Then again, why would I expect good parenting from them now, when my husband did not get it as a child. As Still Standing said, any meeting that you have with them will be on your terms.
    When my mother met with my husband, ... she is elderly… She told him I am very disappointed in you; he responded that he was very disappointed in himself… And she told him that she loved him.
    Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Melissa. Your mother sounds very dignified and gracious. My parents in law now consider their son as acting like a spoilt kid, wanting it all, only thinking of himself and not appreciating what he has. When you see what's happening in Haiti, you start to get better priorities. Love one another, help one another. Our lives are a gift that should be shared.

      Delete
  7. Sorry all… I have been out of the loop, with hurricane preparations and clean up. Thank God we were unscathed. My prayers to all those in Haiti; they receive the worst of the devastation. Love you all. Thank you for being you. And being here, with me Xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you are safe and dry!!!

      Delete
  8. Awwwweww Thank you still standing.. : ) you remembered!! ... loved the big 40 birthday it was all about me.. I was spoilt by my family and friends .. didn't even get a card from my h but that didn't dampen the day he's an absolute numpty his problem. Not mine..

    How you doing ss.. I'm so pleased at how you have turned the corner into another realm : ) xxx

    ReplyDelete
  9. Beach Girl here. I have an adult son who has behaved irresponsibly with a former girlfriend who has two children. We came to love her and the children and for several years they were a huge part of our family. When they broke up, it was my son who behaved badly and we were crushed on so many levels. He cheated on her and lied and was overall a total ass. We are still in touch with her and my son has gone on to do another totally irresponsible thing that will cost her dearly financially for many years. What kind of guy does that? My son. The fact is, we will always love him but, just like Hillary, we are not responsible for his terrible behavior. I am not sure this former girlfriend totally "gets" that and I am so disappointed in our son's lack of remorse and behavior towards this single mother. Anyway, life is messy and I understand why a parent would be appalled by their adult child's behavior but still love them. My late MIL was a real piece of work and contributed greatly to my husband's current problems. At the end of her life I was so glad she finally died but it was not soon enough. She wrecked havoc on many, many family members and "friends". It all stemmed from her own childhood. The cycle repeats itself. Luckily, our children are adopted so the genetic line ended with us and the generational dysfunction that goes back many generations ended, in my husband's case, with him. Of course, my husband had his own secrets throughout all this and I suspect he supresses his own disgust when we talk about our son. I, on the other had, do not mince words. Just like the who Hillary/Bill thing, I told him, "Your job is to make sure that anytime you hear anyone bring up Bill's name in the same breath as Hillary you speak up and defend her. You till them that Hillary was never responsible for her husbands bad behavior." He agreed. This is a hard time to be a Betrayed Spouse. Hang in there everyone. Love you, Beach Girl

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hey everybody. Checking in. Weird times of my own making. I had been hoping to head out to see my sis this weekend and do the Alzheimer's walk (my dad died from the disease 2 or 3 (? can't put my finger on it, PTSD brain damage) yrs ago now. So we've done this walk a lot. Anywho, text my h on saturday to see if he can stay with the kids, trying to give enough notice. Turns out he is traveling Fri and has plans Saturday. Still has therapy on sat morning, etc. etc. HELLOOOO trigger city. Him traveling, especially now that I have no fucking idea how or when or why sets of anxiety like few other things can (besides his ambivalent mixed messages in MC or over coffee). So I am triggered. And also not ok going away and leaving the kids on their own one night (he offered to cancel Saturday night). Both kids have had anxiety attacks, my daughter even slept in my room one night. Talked my son through his one evening, just trying to get him to name his feelings, feel where they are in his body and breathe through them. (I don't think we let out boys - in this society - have feelings or be ok naming and owning them). Then I figured out my daughter had helped herself to a six pack before the high school football game. She was very honest when I asked her about it and I conveyed the gravity of getting caught on her college prospects as well as the possibility of jail time for me, etc etc. and the horror of someone getting hurt or dying. She wasn't driving (they did have a kid as a dd). But still. This weekend is homecoming and I am not going to let that situation play out without an adult in the house. Filled my h in on all that. Said basically that I'm putting the kids first and can do the trip another time.
    Still an anxious couple of days as I try to walk myself out of Triggerville. More texts about rearranging dates for my visit. I let him know thats fine and that I could really use the break. He responds with "you deserve that." Then later offers to start coming and handling dinner a second night of the week and/or making other weekends available for me to travel. (Who is this guy?) It was right on the heels of me coming to the conclusion that I need to be assertive and ask for more help with the kids and house. i recognized that I was feeling resentful that we had discussed a much more cooperative separation (to my mind) but then he just disappeared and has been free to do whatever the eff he wants with no checking in with me. meanwhile, because I have the kids full time, I still have to coordinate with him. Just feels identical to how things were in the marriage before.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Part 2
    Its so hard to interrupt the ruminating on, what is he doing, who does he have plans with etc etc. But self - I tell myself - you can't control that. And very often the simplest, most logical explanation is probably true. Chances are the friday thin is for work. And as he has IC early the next morning, he won't be staying in NY. I know this doesn't really mater. If they were going to get together up there, they could do it, bump ugglies for 15 minutes and go their separate ways without staying over. It just somehow seems less likely and if that gets my blood pressure down, then so be it. And I fret over who or what he is doing o Saturday. Im sure he's bored out of his skull off in his little cabin in the woods and he's trying to distract himself. And this is probably better than all the smoking he's been doing. But shit, I wish it wasn't like this.
    We have MC session today and I have a friend on standby for after because likely I'll need to detox from whatever ambivalent, confused, hurtful mixed message he delivers.
    I'm sad because I feel like the separation has made us more distant than ever. Its like we are stangers, almost. Awkward, weird. And all the hard work I did to maintain connections, to create opportunities to connect (some of which worked) is all undone because he' a coward and had to run away rather than deal with his shame and guilt head on. And I really feel lke he is just fully back in the affair, that he is following the same timeline as last fall, maybe walking backward through it? I don't know. I can't imagine what he must be thinking or feeling as he looks back at what he was doing this time last year.
    And so I went to a fundraiser dinner last night, bout myself a new dress and looked fabulous, if I do say so. Based on the response from some of the folks there, I certainly will have no problem finding people to date, if/when it comes to that. (That's just defiance and anger talking..)
    Also, yesterday on my run, I was so sad. I started picturing some of you running with me. I started a roll call of your names in my head and one by one you popped in beside, or behind or all around me. And soon, more women appeared with me. People whose names I didn't know, but who are part of the "club." Who were running through their pain and sorry and I was running with an ocean of women all around me. And we all were present for one anothers' pain. it helped me remember that I am not alone. Much love!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Me again. Marriage counseling session today. First in a few weeks. Talked about the kids and anxiety and sneaking beer and such. I got kudos for handling it. Yay me. He owned that some of the anxiety is about our situation. I'm glad he can see that.
    Then the MC brings up how he is doing, where he is, have we talked about where we are. We haven't. I say I haven't brought it up because I don't want him to feel pressure, am trying to give him the space he wants/needs. Somehow he ends up talking a little about the work he is doing in IC. How some things he thought were main issues were really symptoms. And about how he's been stuck in bargaining and denial (recognize stages of grief here people?) and this comes up a couple of times. And the MC asks if he is comfortable sharing more on that. He talks about feeling scared and frozen and not safe in the sessions sometimes. So she backs off and I say, you don't have to talk about it if you don't feel safe. I hope at some point in the future you will feel safe enough that you can trust me with that information. and the MC says, yes we don't want you to feel frozen.
    But now I don't know what the hell that all meant. Again could go either way. Has he been in bargaining and denial about his affair and ending it or about the ending of our marriage? IDK. What were the issues that now are really symptoms? Could that be the affair? IDK. I'm so frustrated and angry because the story I am telling myself is that if he was ending the affair, then he should be able to tell me, so he must be afraid to tell me he wants to end the marriage. I know the situation is not that simple. He could be equally afraid of telling me that he is ending the affair because he is still in denial and bargaining and hasn't done it yet.
    And he wants to have more time with the kids. So we will be adding another night a week for dinner. I said Id like to stick around. Selfishly, I want a chance to interact and because I don't want to feel like I have to run out of my house two nights a week, especially if they will be unpredictable because of his work schedule. I did assert myself tho. He wanted to play the 2nd night by ear. I said, let's make t Thursdays so it is somewhat predictable, but we can flex as needed for your work schedule. Good fr me for saying what would work for me.
    I was so anxious right after the session, trying soooo hard not to look at the "maybe he is finally ending his affair" version of the story. And now I am just done. Numb? Sort of like I don't even fucking care any more. But I do. But im tired. But fuck him.
    There's a version of the story where he knows he needs to end it, but can't tell me, because he's scared and feeling vulnerable (he even used that word) and because everyone he loved rejected him and he loves me so he's afraid of taking that risk. I hate that I tell myself this story. the other version is that hes afraid to tell me he is ready to end the marriage because he's just a chickenshit and doesnt want to be the bad guy.
    Alright, I'm going to make some tea and find some sunshine to sit in. And meditate. Thank the lord I have reiki and therapy and piano lessons tomorrow.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love this "And now I am just done. Numb? Sort of like I don't even fucking care any more. But I do. But im tired. But fuck him." This EXACT thought courses through my head daily. I'm only a month past D-day and although the OW has been cut off, h doesn't know what he wants. He doesn't even know his own GD name right now.

      Delete
  13. Ss I love your accounts of your feelings and thoughts they make so much sense.. I totally get what you mean about the separation making you more distant we're prob 6 'months into separation and I don't have any feelings of like or love for him .. we are like strangers trying to do the right thing by our children.. I'm thinking maybe this is the process of separation towards divorce I feel like this marriage is dying a death that's how it feels.. not sure I can pull it back or even want .. at least your in mc ss and your having some time together that's something to build on .. who knows what the future holds for any of us .. we're doing just fine getting through each day as best we can... thinking of you ss and all the wonderful women here.. hugs �� xx

    ReplyDelete
  14. It's so awful trying to second guess things these cheaters half say and figure out where their heart lies. My h is a master of confusion. Since moving out, he comes around and makes dinner some nights- and then disappears for 5 days at a time, refusing to say where he's going. His IC told him he didn't have to tell me. I feel as though he is re-betraying me now. I am caring for our child by myself in the meantime. I don't even know what to say to people who ask where h is. SS, it must be a good thing that your h is showing up for MC (even if he's not saying much). I hope he becomes clearer soon. Sam, I love your running imagination. I will think of you all next time I'm out for a run.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Sam A, thanks for the reminder that just because I don't like where I am, that someone else may look at where I am standing with envy or wishing or just "something." Like I look at the folks who are in reconciliation, and I can see how tough it is for them, but I still see that and wish that I could be there. So a reminder to be grateful for where I am, that I haven't given up yet, that my h still comes to mc, that I am growing and changing and that I occasionally get small clues that he might (????!??) be shifting too.
    This has been a week of getting through each day as best I can. No major victories, but no major melt downs either. Maybe more a sign of where I am and my recovery than anything.
    This is my first walk through "affair season" and I find my sadness, worry, regret, overall 'ug' level going up as I walk through what was happening, my own cluelessness or denial at this time. Seeing pictures of him from this time last year and during the holidays and seeing how blank, lost, ill he looks. Like a monster or the robot he turned into in my dreams last week. And I remember talking to my therapist about how anxious I was, and not understanding what was wrong with me and why this was coming up. Neither of us had any idea, but now I know. I was picking up on him, his increased distance, coldness, anger (to justify what he was doing I guess). And I was afraid. And I am trying not to think too hard about Thanksgiving and what happened right after and during the whole month of December. Not worried about not getting through it per se, just trying to consider how I want to get through it, how I plan on taking care of myself. How I plan on making the holidays as nice as I can for my kids.
    I'm tired, but still running, giving myself a break when I need it, not worrying about the dishes too much, asking the kids to pitch in more, napping in the sunshine with the dogs. Having tea with friends.
    Thinking of all my friends here and sending good energy your way for a peaceful, healing, enjoyable weekend. Love, SS

    ReplyDelete
  16. I need a hug. That is all.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh SS, Consider this a huge hug. I'm so sorry you're having an especially tough time right now. You're doing the next right thing. Doesn't make this easy but it does ensure that you're treating yourself with the respect and kindness you deserve.

      Delete
  17. Ss I'm wrapping my arms around you right now...... bug big hugs : ) xxx

    ReplyDelete
  18. Thanks soooo much for the hugs. I needed them, asked, and got them. How amazing is that? I'm so appreciative of this place.
    Not sure even what to write about my weekend.
    Had sent a text to my h about breakfast or lunch with the family on Sunday. Something we had talked about earlier in the week. I said no rush, just let me know. But as the weekend wore on with no response I started getting angry. Then I noticed that my bags had been moved off the safe in my closet. Obviously he'd been in there at some point while I wasn't home. And then when I was out meditating in the gazebo, I noticed that the industrial string lights out there were gone. I started to feel a little steamed. I'm thinking all three things add up to boundary violations and lack of respect. Small, weensy violations but they added up to a pattern for me. I felt really angry that he couldn't at least respond to my text with an "Im not sure yet, will let you know." Any kind of acknowledgement. But his lack of respect just felt disrespectful and cruel. He may not get what a trigger it is for me to know he's traveling or had plans and get no response. Time for that if we get to work on reconciliation, or maybe I bring it up in the next MC session.
    Meanwhile, super depression hits me on Saturday. Seasonal, inflamation, whatever. I am looooow, tired. So I start slow. Get some tea, take my vitamins and supplements. And I bust out the tyrosene, which is a mild amino acid stimulant that usually breaks the depression spell for me. It did. it also make me a little bit disconnected, so I only use it about twice a year, when I get hit hard like that. Its enough to get me moving again. I went running. Got some stuff done around the house. My son helped me rearrange some furniture and we are happy with the result. We played some basketball in the driveway, had a spaghetti dinner. Just all good stuff. I also recognized the urge to medicate with just one glass of wine or a beer. And I studiously looked at that urge, called it bullshit, knew it would only cloud my brain more and had a cup of red tea with my boy instead. Did some weeding. All in all pretty good for a lady fighting depression.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Part 2
    Come Sunday, morning comes and almost goes. Almost lunch and I'm feeling pretty angry, disappointed that I havent heard from my H about breakfast or lunch. Finally a text. He's 50/50 on coming over. A little hung over from his big night out the night before (not that I know what it was he did because he's not sharing). And now I'm pissed. I take a moment to breathe and think about what I am feelng, where in my body and try to get curious and dig in to what is behind it. (Thanks Brene) and its because I am hurt by this pattern I see, that he's gone and medicated to the point that now he doesn't want to care for or meet obligations to his family. That I gave up my weekend away so he could get drunk and skip his visit with the kids (we negotiated, I compromised, but the after effect still pissed me off). Part of his text was "if you think it will make a big difference to our son, I'll come over." This really set me off. Angry frustrated. Im thinking you see your kids like once a week. Of course it will be meaningful for him. I see him farming out his relationships to me again, he wants me to tell him what to do. And what if it was only a small difference to our son or just A difference? Does that make it less worthwhile, less worth fighting through the hangover? Just thoughtless, selfish, affair fog behavior I scream in my head. But I also try to reframe it for myself before I respond. What if he's feeling overwhelmed by shame and guilt and depression and hangover. Makes it hard to do anything. I tried to look at him from a place of compassion. This can't be easy for him. Even if I hate his stupid shitty choices and am hurt by his inability to see how great I am, choose me and recognize that I am offering (by sticking around) the unconditional love he's looked for his whole life. Even with that rolling in my head, how do I make the best of this situation? First boundaries. I am not going to be angled into managing his relationship with his son. And I am going to allow for free will with accountability. And I am going to let him know where I am.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Part 3
    So I respond with "I honestly don't know how to respond. I'm feeling frustrated and don't want to speak in anger. You can decide if you want to visit with our son and let me know. Our daughter is out." And then I followed up with the info that i was going out to mow the yard. If he decided to come over to shoot me a text, but no need to wait on a response as I might be out in the yard.
    Well he did come over. I can't tell you the rush of gratitude that I felt when I saw him ride up on his motorcycle. So pleased that he made the choice in favor of our son. I finished the mowing and then came inside for a snack. Sat with them for a bit and let my h know how appreciative I was that he made it over. He stayed for a short while and got to see our daughter as she popped in for school books. All in all a nice visit. I managed to ask about the lights and the safe, just saying I wanted no unsolved mysteries, but also letting him know subtly that I notice when someone moves my cheese in my space. He gave me a hug before he left. (I still don't totally get what is up with that. Just more mixed messages?) He looked so sad and guilty when he left. (My sis says all to the good. He needs to do some more thinking about what he's giving up.)
    Wanting to reinforce good behaviors I sent him a text later, reiterating that I appreciated his making it over. Then he responds with thanking me for letting him into my space, my home and sorry he thought about bailing on coming over. (Weird, right? guilt? IDK). I responded that there was a big difference between thinking and doing. That he made it over and that's what counts. And at the risk of saying too much, that the door to tat space is still open. He just has to decide to walk through. Big risk I know. But I'm trying to be real, show up, be vulnerable. I'm trying to demonstrate for him what that looks like. I'm also done not talking about my feelings or protecting him from them because me loving him makes him feel guilty or some dumb shit.
    The timing felt right so I said it.
    And then my daughter came in with a big birthday bag for me with sweaters and a cozy blanket. So sweet and just made my day. (Turning 47 on Tuesday, bring it on!) And later my son turns to me and says, "I'm feeling happy lately." I talk to him about it alittle. What do you think is making you happy? Where do you feel it? And it is in some part because we have been spending time together and doing things together. And I am sure some of it is because he saw his dad three times this week. And in some ways it makes my heart hurt for the little guy (taller than me) because I know every time he sees me and my h together and interacting he gets hopeful that things will work out. I know he just wants his dad to come home. Its what we all want. I want that and more. Him to come home. Him to choose me, us. Him to work on our relationship with me. Him to invest with me in making a happy, honest, passionate marriage where we can both grow.
    Reminder to myself that all I can do is show up. And he may not ever be able to do that. And if not, I will still be ok. And I can model that for my kids and help support them being OK too.
    So Monday morning. Tired but OK (thanks to some hugs and love from various quarters). Thinking about what I can do that makes my day a little better. Inch some work projects along (this is still one of my biggest challenges - hoping I can unlock how to get more focus, get more done).
    Good luck on your weeks BWC warriors. Love, SS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Inspirational, SS. I wish I could learn to make boundaries like you have... and manage to communicate so well and so clearly. All the best to you and your family.

      Delete
    2. Wow SS. You are indeed a warrior. Keep those boundaries firm. You're not responsible for his feelings or his actions. Stay focussed on you and your kids. And have a really incredible birthday celebrating just how badass and wonderful you are.

      Delete
    3. Anon, you can totally have boundaries. No wishing required. This time last year I had shit for boundaries, but I've learned a lot about the here, and in therapy and in books. As I've discovered, people don't die when I tell them no. In fact sometimes they shape up!
      Thanks Elle. I don't always feel badass but I know it to be a truth deep down now. And that is pretty awesome, honestly. Its my bday and I got lots of love from kids and friends. Was feeling a little raw, but then I got the updates on all the new posts here and somehow, it's like a balm. Soothing to know there are friends who really get it and are here. We are all cheering each other on. Birthdays, holidays seem to throw the weirdness, unreality of this new reality into sharp relief. I'm trying hard not to tell and buy in to a story of suffering and sadness and vicitimhood. I am and have been claiming a better life for myself. Despite part of my life being on a painful and grueling pause, I don't have to let it suck the life out of the rest of my life.
      Its a gorgeous day and I'm going for a walk. Dinner out with the kids later. And then check off another day survived.

      Delete
    4. Thanks Sam A!

      Delete
  21. Ss happy birthday for tomorrow.. hope you have a fun filled day!!! Xxxxx

    ReplyDelete
  22. Still standing
    I'm hoping you had a wonderful birthday and that you're feeling a little more balanced. You seem to be surviving the toughest battle with a h that can't seem to be a man. I'm hoping that the more he sees his therapist the fog in his brain will be lifted. How a father can question if his presence will make a difference to his son kinda floored me but you handled that beautifully! You go girl! I'm sending you big hugs today hopefully to help strengthen you to keep standing!

    ReplyDelete
  23. Cactus flower
    I feel your pain of the current election! Thing is I think it's harder for my h to hear the mess because it drums up his own shame! I saw the look of horror when he heard the locker room tape and asked him if that was how his locker room banter went and he kinda mumbled maybe in middle school. He's embarrassed by the things that he did that are similar to the things we hear on the news. We find ourselves mostly not watching it! I'm so sorry this is causing all of us uneasy feelings! Hugs.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Cactus Flower, you are caught in a horrible struggle. Maybe you don't want to tell your kids because you know what it feels like when parents cheat. I'm sorry you have been through so much. I think you are strong to keep going. Is there anyone else you could speak to about this pressure cooker situation? Someone trustworthy, like a counselor, who would hear your pain and help you bear it. Or maybe a telephone helpline if it's not an option to see someone face to face? I'm sending you love and respect. You are doing your best in extremely difficult conditions. Cactus Flower, you are a beautiful person.

    ReplyDelete
  25. Cactus Flower,
    Wow, your story resonates so much with me. I also had a difficult teen life and first marriage before meeting my husband whom I was sure would be the one I believed would be faithful and true. Fast forward 37 years and here I am, just like you, wondering how I could have been so blind. The truth is that we were trusting and they were troubled and hid it well. At least that seems to be true for my husband who always filtered his life through rose colored glasses. He has wrecked pain and devastation on himself and me. He has only told the therapist we saw a few times. He saw her individually and we saw her as a couple a few times. He seems to have a good handle on the truth of his life now and I am crushed by that truth. I've only told my best friend and she is my lifeline. This is lonely and hard. I read so many things daily to help me put one foot in front of another. I was sleepless for months and my hair fell out in chunks. I've dropped 40 pounds and am in the best shape ever physically. Emotionally I'm fragile as we all are. This morning I read "Beneath the Emptiness" by Elizabeth Corey, MSW and it resonated with me. "What do I fill my time/life with when I let the pain go?" Sending you a virtual hug and hoping you can find a therapist to speak with.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Hello Sisters

    Checking in and catching up with everyone's journey. I have missed y'all. Even when it's hard and we share hard things I find this group of women so steadfast and inspiring. Thank you all for the courage to share.

    I am doing alright... it has been up and down and sometimes sideways. For about 30 days I put life on top speed of go go go and then remembered..... oh yeah, I can't out run this pain and all that goes with it. So I'm back now trying to be present, breath, and be kind to myself as I wrestle with owning my story. Which as y'all know that wrestling can be both physically and emotionally exhausting.

    Mainly just wanted to say hi and send love and support.

    Becky.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky
      Sending hugs, love and support right back at you! Glad you checked in! I miss folks when they don't post but I certainly understand when they don't....

      Delete
  27. Becky, so glad to hear from you. That you are still breathing. I know the urge to go go go. To outrun this biz. But you can't. You and me and everyone here have to be right where we are. And live and accept ourselves with loving kindness on days we struggle as much as on days when we kick ass. It's crazy to me how, even with him out of the house, it is still a roller coaster. Nothing like the early days but still ups and downs. Hugs hugs hugs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks ladies, I love this community.

      I am getting more used to my H out of the house too, but there are still highs and lows, they are just different now. I feel like this is much more of a grieving process.... whereas before it was such heartbreak every day with the ongoing lies and EA.

      Love and support. Becky.

      Delete
  28. Hi guys I'm still alive and kicking : ) .. been extremely busy with work it's been a great distraction from recent events. I know at some point I'm gonna have to communicate with my h about d day 2, don't know when or how that will look like but 6 months on I'm in a better place we're still separated I've done lots of healing and soul searching.. missing him a little And I have days when I'm ready to talk then fear takes over And I'm not ready.. I think I'm gonna spend a little more time in limbo land untill I'm
    Ready to move to the next stage I feel safe and happy here : ) .. I've been keeping up with you ladies .. hope your all looking after N0 1.. xx

    ReplyDelete
  29. Although I've not really had a conversation with my h since d day 2 in may I have still managed to heal.. as you know I went to see the ow that seemed to help me for s number of reasons firstly seeing how ugly she was in real life lol and secondly to show her that I'm real, my marriage was real and she was part of fuking it up and thirdly as I felt it was part of my healing ... I've also sent her pic to a number of our friends and some family members telling them
    Who my h been fuking around with some new about d day 1 others didn't.. and the comments I got back I sent to my h.. he needed exposing this time I told a few close friends and family last time but I'm feeling like this time why shouldn't I tell people what a dik head he is.. he should feel ashamed .. 6 months on I'm feeling ok to share it with whoever I feel comfortable with if it comes up in conversation .. I know some will think I'm mad but I feel ok I'm doing so.. maybe it's because we're not living under the same roof and I don't know if we ever will again.. think he prob hates me for exposing him the way I have but I hate him
    For what he did to me again .. so yes ladies I've been busy : ) I'm sure it's all part of this shitty process we go through.. although I really should check in with my counsellor soon for a catch up she might not be too impressed with my behaviour of late lol.. I'm a force not to be messed with .. think my h knows it now too.. I've prob babbled on just wanted to update you ladies of where I'm at.. xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Heaven has no rage like love to hatred turned, Nor hell a fury like a woman scorned." William Congreve
      Hang in there Sam A. I'm worried for you. Be angry, for sure be angry, every right to be so. Just be gentle with yourself in it. This is a phase of grief, yes? Sending you love and support.

      Delete
    2. Hi Sam A,

      So glad you are feeling stronger more healed and moving forward. I am also feeling way more comfortable with stating the facts when they come up..... "my H and I are separated". " he had an affair". Where for sooooo long I could not imagine saying these things out loud to more casual friends. Still very few people on my side know about the affair.

      I really get the actions oriented towards the OW. I still have so so much anger towards her and I really would love to strike at her in some way - hurt her, shame her, humiliate her. Ahhhh. Most of the time I just try not to think about her.... but she and issues with her kinda orbit around and I know eventually I'll
      Have to deal with it. It all seems to suck so much more now because it seems less and less likely that my H and will reconcile and yet she gets to still be in his life as "someone special". Ugh!!! But I also know that if he doesn't see the difference between me and her and if he won't show up for me and our marriage, well.... that is not a person I want to share my life with.

      Anyway glad you are feeling strong and taking care of yourself. Love and support to all.

      Becky.

      Delete
    3. Becky
      I know just how you feel about wanting to lash out at the ow to make her feel pain and shame. Trust me that this person is incapable of those feelings! The cow in our world was supposed to be humiliated and hurt when my h sent her to jail for harrasment but it didn't seem to faze her a bit! She reached out again only four months after the judge put the no contact order in place and again seven months after that so my h asked the attorney his opinion and he had the judge remind her in March of this year! He thinks she gets it this time however, she continues to look at my h linked in and occasionally drive by the house. Trust me the crazy ow hasn't learned anything from this and hasn't moved on with her life. She's pathetic and her continued behavior has helped me get past the need to see her hurt as she will hurt forever for the choices she made but she's a victim in this story in her mind and lives in a delusional state of mind thinking one day he will come looking for her again! I'm sorry you're still dealing with a delusional h that can't see what he's throwing away! Hugs!

      Delete
  30. I'm embarrassed to write this because some of my spiritual inner life is a bit out of the common way. So backing up a bit. My h was planning on going away this past weekend for guys weekend at our old college alma mater. I know and like all the guys he was going to be with. But I am still anxious for a couple of reasons. One; travel and drinking. Just yikes. Two; the football game that they will be attending involves a long time rival that happens to be where the COW went to college (though about 15 years after we went - barf). Three; my birthday weekend last year fell on this very same football game and I can see "memories" posts about this game and my party and I picture him texting with her and the barftastic banter about the rivalry that was probably going on behind the scenes at my birthday. And in my crazy mind I'm thinking what if they were planning to meet up this weekend because everyone loves romantic weekends around college football. Cray.Zee. And he asked to borrow the jeep a couple weeks ahead because it is easier to lug tailgating gear. And I think at the time, briely, god it would be amazing if we beat that team (who we had no chance to beat they were ranked #2, we were completely unranked and still recovering from NCAA sanctions).It would almost be a "sign" to me, because in my head the symbolism is the ranked and favorite to win is her and the underdog fighter with a heart is me. Then I was like, SS, don't do that to yourself. Just magical thinking and there's just no chance. So I stopped thinking about it.
    So the day for the car swap arrives. In addition he has volunteered to take the kids to their eye appointments (!?!) and when I thanked him, he said. I'm glad to do it. You do so much. (!!!??!) And he seems depressed when talking about the weekend, says he doesn't even feel like going. (Inside my head I'm like yipee, because if she was going he'd be more excited about going = CRAY. ZEE.) But I say, it will be good for you to see the guys and youl be glad you went. Then I ask if I can make a suggestion and he says yes, and I say be careful with the alcohol. He looks me in the eye and says I've done a lot of work in therapy about what used to drive that. I plan on taking it really easy. (!!!!??!!) He tends to speak in code but the look had meaning. Was he saying he's done some work on childhood stuff, on not being angry with me for what he's been angry about. The world may never know, unless he learns to speak. So he goes.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Part 2
    And I am watching the football game with friends. Expecting a blood bath. Helmets with heads in the stands, armpits hanging from goal posts. But for a split second I'm like, it would mean something if they won. So the game is not the beating I expected. Lots of errors on both sides. And then the fourth quarter, one of our special teams guys recovers something and runs it in. We are up by three with three minutes ahead. And my brain lights on fire. My body is tingling. No way. no fucking way. it s going to happen. And we stop them and get the ball back with a minute left. Victory formation to run the clock down. We won. We fucking won. For the first time in more than 6 years. It was my stupid magical unbelievable victory. And it doesn't matter that it had nothing to do with me. It matters that i chose it as a sign and then let it go. And that the underdog, with a good heart and who fights hard, can win, even against the odds, even when everyone thought there was no way. I feel a bit silly sharing this and I promise I was sober, but it was such a huge symbolic moment for me.
    And my H and I exchnanged some texts celebrating the victory. I wanted to know I was "with" him in that moment. we even talked about the game when he came to swap cars on Sunday. He even got a bit choked up taking about the game. And I knew he wouldn't come back from the weekend and magically profess his undying love for me. But maybe, just maybe, it represents another little corner turned. And I can hope. And wait a bit longer. Wait without anxiety because good things are coming. Good things are already in my life. Love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ss I'm so pleased you feel like you've turned a corner it certainly seems that way from where I'm standing... ; ) I love your thinking your logic you amaze me with your patience your love and understanding I definetly need to take a leaf out of your book... ss I'm really rooting for you and your h.. I know it may feel like a slow process but it's a process and it's evolving... keeping everything crossed for you... big big hugs xxxx

      Delete
    2. Still standing
      I'm so glad you were able to feel like you're turning a corner! That's remarkable given what you've been through recently! Hugs and keep that hope going one day at a time!

      Delete
    3. The corner may be in my head. Maybe just me feeling more hopeful because of a dumb old ball game. But we will see how things play out. Mc tomorrow, getting anxious already. Cross everything crossable and pray to whoever listens to you. Hugs

      Delete
    4. the corner was in my head. He was already gone in his just playing some "we can still be best friends" mind fuck with himself. I feel, right now, like I can never forgive him for not trying. For not seeing my worth, for not fighting for me. This is the danger of magical thinking. I set myself and played his mind fuck game with him. Not anymore. I'm to tired to imagine a happy ending.

      Delete
  32. Hi Becky .. I totally get it.. I'm right there with you .. still waiting to see if he shows up!! I don't want to be the one who makes that final decision to call it a day but I'm well aware that's how it could end... it pees me of that he never says a bad word about the ow I need to hear it.. he doesn't realise how much.. feel like we're just drifting.. I pray for me, you Becky, still standing, steam and anyone else who has decided to separate, that we are blessed with happiness whichever way our path takes us..we're getting there Becky slowly but surely xx

    ReplyDelete
  33. Still standing thank you.. I am angry with him with her and sometimes myself for putting up with him and his bullshit.. wish I could put an end to this but it's not that easy .. I defo need some counselling I've booked in this week.. it's been a turbulent few weeks highs and lows.. I'm just focusing on the here and now and my children they keep me afloat.. I'm so blessed to have them .. lots of love ss.. how are you? Xx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My kids too give me a reason to get out of bed and showered some days. Don't know where I'd be without them.

      Delete
  34. Hi. four weeks ago this coming Friday I found out that my husband of 20 years was still having an affair with a married woman. She and he grew up together. I caught him three years ago having a texting "emotional" affair. He said they were both depressed and troubled people and just helping each other through his depression of a bad job, (when I got a promotion and I make more than he does). and she apparently had a depressing situation in her own marriage. When I caught him, he swore she meant nothing to him and that he would stop immediatealy. they were texting 1800 times to 2300 times a month on a phone that I bought him. When I finally looked at the bill in January, I saw all the back and forth numbers and realized that he was still doing it.

    Well again, he swore how much he loved me and only wanted me and would give her up again. He did, for a while. Then this being the third year of "Them" I caught him sitting in our living room with our children and two grandsons TEXTing her AGAIN. They had been having an intimate affair this time. All I love yous, and miss yous.... I blew. I smashed the tablet he had been on, but smart enough to grab the SD card!. I let him. Third strick your out. He tried to keep everything secret, don't let anyone know about HER. I finally started toaking to a marriage counselor on my own, and he suggested to move on I needed to OUT the affair. Which I did, to his family. He told me what to expect, and yes, it got ugly. They all said I was evil, she was great, he was happy, blah blah, blah. Her husband still doesn't know. but she left him and is filing for seperation and still hasn't told him about my husband. I am going to stress management on Wednesday, I actually feel much better now that it's not TOP SECRET anymore. I knew his family would of course rally the waggons which they should. I am not missing out on anything from them. I just need to hear that I am right in moving out. Moving on. Getting the divorce. All I see on websites are to forgive and get back with him. that the love he feels for her is fantasy and not reality. I think he really loves her, he gave his 19 year old daughter away to be with her. Please help me keep on the straight and narrow and move on.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Anon whatever you decide for you can only ever be the right decision!!! No one can tell you otherwise... I understsnd why your angry and hurt and I'm glad your seeing a therapist to help you deal with those feelings.. anon You have the time to decide where you go from here whether it be a divorce or not .. personally I've realised that I can't make decisions when I'm angry ( although I still do) I find it's better to wait Untill I'm on more even ground but that's just me... anon you've found a really supportive bunch of women here who will have your back whatever you decide .. remember there are no right or wrong's it's your path and you get to walk it ... keep us posted anon .. take care of yourself xxx

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The first time I caught him he swore that nothing physical had happened. He said he didn't know if he could ever do that. Same the second time. But this time they found an app called "talk" I didn't know about it and when I'd walk by he'd pretend he was playing a video game, even brag about his new levels. I admit I was getting upset. He'd come home from work, take a shower, sit in his recliner, wait for me to fix his dinner, eat, and go right back to his "game". If something needed to be done around the house, I'd either have to do it myself, or become that nagging wife. If he'd get up to do it, he'd act like I was cold, mean, etc. I worked a 8 hour job, just like he did. I came home and did the "wify" work. He'd complain about his horrible new boss and lazy coworkers. I'd tell him about my job, and he'd shut me down. He didn't want to hear my day, it depressed him. Because I was happy, he was more depressed. I knew he was keeping something secret. I felt that pit in my stomach. I admit, when he'd want sex, and I mean sex not lovemaking, I'd agree but resentment was building. He was having prostrade problems and our sex life died. He started turning the other way at night, he never did that. I wrap my arm around him and he grab and hold my hand tight. But that stopped, he became more distant, going to bed early, and always facing away. Emotionally I pulled away too, and I began to hate being intimate with him, I believed it was no longer making love...I was right. He had gone from emotional affair, bonding over their depression and troubles. Now it was a actual physical affair. He knew when he was caught, he said, you'll never trust me again, I think at that point he was glad that I would leave him. I think because he didn't have the strength of character to end our marriage, he wanted me to find out knowing I would not put up with it again. His lover, turned into his "love of his life" he wanted us to remain friendly and I was to move out. His lover had integrated herself into his mother's life. The whole time they lied to her pretending they weren't together. His mom claims she didn't know. Did she? I think so. She certainly does now and knowing her, she's very happy. The lover was helping my mother in law with shopping, cleaning her home, ectopic. My mother in Lawhile was paying her! Loving everything the woman posted on facebook, called her her best friend, said things like, I love you to her.

      Our 19 year old daughter felt there was something wrong with. All that closeness. I was furious when I found out she was in my mother in laws home....this was after the second time I had caught them texting. I got mad when his brothers girlfriend messaged me that mother in law was bragging all about her dear friend and how she can't liveven without her. I blew and asked my husband if he knew all this, he said yes and he can't help who his mother likes. I said something to my mother in law that there had been inappropriate contact between the two, she didn't believe me. She said the lover was such a sweet wonderful person. That was just a month or two ago. Now...the truth came out. I feel they set this up to get her into the family so they could get me out.

      Delete
  36. Anonymous
    Your story hurts just to hear how much you've been through! There's plenty of others here that will help reassure you that you are doing the right thing if it feels right for you! The heartache you have lived through is tremendous. He has to be one of the most selfish people in the world! The amount of texting left little to no time for anything or anyone else in his selfish state. I'm glad you are in therapy and yes, we're all here to help you in any way we can. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  37. Hi anonymous

    Wow it sounds like you just got blind sided in a big way!! I am sorry, I know the overwhelming pain and anger that explodes on dday. Take a moment for a deep breath.

    I think everyone and every marriage that gets hit by the Mack truck of Infedelity is on her own journey and the best we can do is support each other and the light the way for one another in our darkest hour.
    Some marriages heal and some don't - there is no right or wrong option. It is very individual and the journey is often long and hard. But no matter the path we can offer support and strength to each other.

    Some good advice I received in the very early stages was "don't make any big decisions right away". We often don't make good decisions when we are so emotionally overwhelmed and exhausted and feeling so much hurt and anger and literally sick to our stomachs and sleep deprived.

    Right now just try to focus on you what helps you take care of yourself and feel safe. Use the anger you are feeling to set boundaries, sounds like separation is key boundary for you right now. Ok, do that, but know you can take things one step at a time. Do the basics eat, sleep, do what feels good, walk the dog, get your nails done, tea with a friend ect... be kind and gentle with yourself. Breath.

    There is tons of info on Infedelity some more helpful and some less so. There are some good book recommendations on this site and a counselor can be a huge asset. I would be lost without my therapist. You are not alone.

    I know the early days are terrible in every way. Hang in there. With love and support
    Becky

    ReplyDelete
  38. Thank you everyone. I thought I did a reply it said publishing but I don't see it. It was long toooo..

    ReplyDelete
  39. Hey remember when my h talked about grief and denial in the last mc session and I was like gee, that could be about ending it with her or ending it with me. Turns out it was ending it with me. I go the whole I love you but not in love with you and don't think I can get it back thing. So. Guess who is getting a divorce? I still am in shock. I'm crying. I don't know how to deal. I begged him to not give up. that lots of people could come back, have come back from where he is. I can't fathom that he is throwing it all away without giving us a chance. Fuck him. Fuck him and all of his bullshit. He says he can see that I am valuable and worth having. I said, you're gonna get out there and find I'm hard to replace. Don't you miss me? Don't you miss doing things together? Yes. What happened to the guy who said we can build a beautiful new mosaic from the broken pieces? He asked who said that. I said you did.
    Guys I am just devastated. How do I start over at 47? How do we take apart this whole house? I live with his fucking mother for christ's sake. I don't want to give up one second with my kids. Please help me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS,
      I know you can't see it yet but you deserve so much more than this guy is capable of giving you. He's telling you that life with him is going to be more misery, that he's not willing to do the painful work of really looking at himself and figuring out why he's walking away.
      How do you start over at age 47? The same way you start over at 27 or 77. One day (one minute!) at a time. You get yourself a good lawyer or mediator. You ensure that you're clear on your boundaries and what you will/will not negotiate. You take fiercely good care of yourself. You find support -- someone who can hold you when you cry, who can prop you up when you can't do it yourself, who can see in you just how incredible you are. And you trust that there are others who have walked in your shoes and, in hindsight, wouldn't have it any other way. Women who've been shattered and feel whole. Women who've thought they lost everything only to discover that they found themselves in a wonderful new life.
      It will take time and it will take blood, sweat and tears. But SS, you can do this. You are a warrior who is ready to fight for yourself. And you've got an army of women behind you.

      Delete
    2. Still standing
      I'm so sorry that this is happening but thankful that Elle has given you a path to follow and yes we're all here to support you no matter how hard it gets! I'm wrapping my arms around you with a big hug as tears fall down my cheeks knowing that the pain you feel is even worse than dday!

      Delete
    3. SS, I am so sorry to hear that this man cannot step up to the mark for you. You deserve real love. I trust it will burst upon you and shower you with light. Your comments have really helped me in the past. You are a role model for me. Sending you love and courage.

      Delete
  40. SS, my heart goes out to you. Many months ago I kept asking myself, "how do I start over at 65?" As I read about "starting over" and immersed myself in that option it began to morph into more of a "how do I move on?" That made it easier in some ways. Your heart deserves to hold so much more value than your husband is clearly capable of giving it. It isn't your MIL's fault that your spouse is not strong enough to make his marriage commitment work and she is not your responsibility. Maybe she can have a good relationship with your kids and you but time will tell. I don't know where you live but in my community, there is a program at the local community college for "women in transition" It helps women get on their feet after divorce. They YWCA in our community also has a strong program of support. First step is to find a good attorney/mediator before you do anything else. You may have to do some banking things to prevent him from draining your accounts too. I'm not an attorney but Elle is right, you take fiercely good care of yourself. Your journey is not over. This is a fork in the road and you have many sisters who have your emotional back. Find a good therapist. Cry. Laugh. Sleep and repeat. You will get through this.

    ReplyDelete
  41. Ss your no doubt in shock right now, this is gonna take some time to sink in.. you are not responsible for his decisions nor can you control them.. you my dear have been so patient so understanding, you have handled your situation much better than I could ever have and you must continue to do so..... i agree with the sound advice Elle has given you but there is no rush right now to do anything.. SS we have your back anything you want or need please ask... I wish I could do/say more to help you SS.. sending you my love ... take each minute hour as it comes.. I have a feeling your h may have made a rash decision and will most definetly regret it and come back begging for forgiveness... your in control now SS.. big big hugs xxx

    ReplyDelete
  42. Jesus (i've been calling his name a lot there days) Still Standing I fucking understand. For all my indecision and "fuck this" I would be devestated I think if the H just said he wanted a divorce. I am so with you in hugs, I have such a hug for you. I am deeply sorry for your broken heart and this broken situation. Of course I hope this is something that turns out better for you, of COURSE I do, but I understand how difficult that must be to see right this minute. Take it minute by minute, and know we've got you.

    ReplyDelete
  43. SS

    Oh sister, I am hugging you and holding you as you cry. I am so sorry for this. I know you love him and wanted to rebuild with him, but he actually has to show up for that. You deserve a partner that will show up 100 percent and do the hard work of healing a marriage. he is saying that his fears, shame, ect are stronger than him and if He doesn't work that out he will only hurt you more because hurt people hurt people.

    Everything must feel so surreal and I know if seems difficult to see it, but you are a beautiful woman with so much kindness compassion loyalty and love for yourself and the people blessed to be in your life. You will find your way forward from darkness to light. I know the pain and fear are strong and scary, know you are not alone your sisters are with you!!

    Love
    Becky

    ReplyDelete
  44. Thank you all. You are all right. I will be fine. He's shown me that he hadn't been or isn't worthy of the love and acceptance or kindness or grace I've shown him. That's he's still playing some giant mind fuck with himself is clear. I really hoped he'd figure it out but some never do. I am pissed that he dropped this bomb in mc and then I had to come home and pretend I am fine to three people who will be devastated. Once again it is all about his needs and I'm left holding the reality bag while he is off in camp hideaway. Do I sent a message to him and the mc and said this wasn't working for me. That he needs to tell his mom tomorrow and we need to talk this week about how and when to tell the kids. Back in July I got some lawyer referrals and I am calling tomorrow. I'm also calling our financial advisor and getting a rundown of all assets and any recent activity. I still have access to all the bank accounts. I'm making a list of all the things that need to be taken care of before we split our assets, like the roof and replacing my old car. I'm. So. Angry.
    I'm also free now to let go of all the shit I was doing to try to save "us". I don't have to worry about his Fe anymore. I'm not going to be ugly or harm my kids in that way. But I have made everything too easy so far, as I am told by most people in my life. I can stop wondering what he's doing and who he's talking to. I can start manifesting and creating a life if joy and abundance.
    I can model bring a grown up and facing my shit head on for my kids, instead of giving up and running away.
    I can't believe thst he's giving up without trying. I can't believe his therapist supported this decision knowing he's still clouded by this other involvement. He says to him they are separate, but I called bs on that. Told him there was no way he could get clear on his feelings for me while she was in the picture or even on a supposed few week break. We all know that is bs. The humiliation and rejection and grief and anger and bargaining and fucking hating him and this new final ultimate betrayal, thus denial or taking away of love is the worst. He's stolen from me.
    Well I'm putting my bitch boots on and fighting for my house and security. He had so many choices and chances. I still think he has no idea of the fallout. The loss of friends he's going to experience, how angry his kids are going to be, how I will cease to be his "best friend". Oh and by the way, when we talk to the kids, he gets to own the divorce. His choice, his responsibility. I'm not going to pretend to the kids that I am ok with getting divorced or that this is what I want too. Im not going to bad mouth him, just no I don't want this. But your dad doesn't want to stay married and I don't want to be married to someone who doesn't want me.
    And I'm afraid of managing the money. And handling this huge house but I'm also pretty clear I want to live here full time with my kids and not have their lives disrupted or mine either by his shitty choices.
    But. I get to also, eventually, find someone to have a grown-up relationship with, who will respect me and see my value and be able to express feelings for me. A wholehearted person who is capable of loving me. I deserve that. Thanks for all the support. You all mean so much to me. And maybe here my struggle can help someone who shows up here later and has to walk the same path.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey everyone, checking in to elt you know I am still breathing. Barely. Called a lawyer, seeing her on Saturday. Called the fin advicor. He's overnighting me a current statement. I can still log in to our online banking. My biz accounts have the most money in right now. A little scary. I want to open my own checking account and start having my paychecks (from a part time job) go there, but I am concerned about starting a cascade of events that will negatively affect me. So on that I will wait until I have met wit the lawyer and we build a plan. I'm trying to move slowly and methodically. Reiki shortly, thank the gods. Master Bob will let me cry for two hours if I need to.
      There's still a stupid part of me that hopes. Its not over until it is over. But I am not going to look at that, not let myself think about it for one second. He hasn't shown me he's capable of changing, just charging down this path of destruction. So I've got to put me and my kids out of harms way. I need to proceed as if divorce is my reality. Because it is.
      Remind myself that this is the start of something new. My old life and any suffering can be laid to rest, some bits in deep unmarked graves. Some bits will go on to feed new flowers and trees that grow where they were buried. I look like hell.
      May daughter looked at my face last night and said bad allergies or have you been crying. I said, crying. She said, I'm sorry. I wasn't going to hide feelings. I'm teaching my kids how to be real. And myself. That my real is enough. I am enough. And lovable and worthy and so much more.

      Delete
    2. You are amazing. So strong and wonderful. I am so afraid that my flipflop h is about to land the same non-decision on me (he won't even go to mc). I truly hope I can deal with things as well as you are. I will be reading your posts again for inspiration. Thank you for sharing. Love and strength to you.

      Delete
  45. My STORY:My name is Vanessa.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Been married for 10ys& dated 4ys,during our 1st 6monts of dating(he was 20,she was 13(they had sex)I thought if God forgives I 2 must forgive.After another 6monts went by,heKept a bunch of sexual explicitLetters,heApologized, told her to stop harassing him,& that he wasn't going to answer her calls.On our 2nd yr anniversary he proposed,but although I said yes wasnt ready to be marriedAfter our 3rdyr anniversaryI was still not 100% sureI love him,but my trust in him,wasntthere,I had caught him "talking to a different girl",but he said they were"friends",but I loved him,so I suggested we get married,but just so that I can help him change his immigration status (illegalImigrant")So we got"married,but not living together",then I found out he had been talking to a former "love interest""they reconnected"by then we had been "married"for 5ms,but they had been talking-texting for@least 8ms I was pist,wanted 2endour marriage,a week laterI found out I was pregnant!All I hear was:stay W him 'ause of the baby"I saw how sorry he was to make it up to me: said he loved me.As the yrs went by he seemed a changed man(he preached the church's youth),so he graduated bibleCollege,was the bible school director,preached4 the congregation very often,&was very well respected &admiredHowever,when our child was 4yrs old I came across a dating website&he had a profileI saw pictures,messages,videos:3 different women)I was devastated:his excuse was that: it was like a hobby,Sorry,that he'd take the profile down.I still recented his cheating I gave him another chance.We had"individual Facebook accounts",and yr after yrI've had to keep asking him to take down sexy "friends" on FB.The past 3yrs have been the worse,he started making up excuses not to preach,nor take any responsibilities in the church,as if he was either "taking a break",or worse as if "he felt he was in sin"& didn't want to be fake...I couldn't understand it at the beginning,and of course I fearedthe worse.Lttle by little he started "skipping church services"Then stopped going.Now,Constant fights:He'd get mad for anything,accused me of cheating yelled at me,pushed me twice:one time being in front of our child,him hanging out with the wrong crowd:drinking,playing pool 'till2PMPlus,DCF was involved in our home after my counselor reported that his behavior towards me was affecting our daughter).The DCF case recently got closed,but during I thought he would have a "wake up call"he feared he could get deported.But,no,he was doing his own thing,while I prayed.During that 12 month period we tried "marriage counseling" w/a Christian Counselor.H never opened up,nor was he ever owning up to his wrong doings.Now,just 8 days agoI searched his phone records& I called a umber that appeared almost every single day morning,afternoon & nights,&a woman answered,but I didn't say a word(plus,I called private),I've also been investigating his facebook private message:he chats w/this "other woman"(not the same 1 from the phone records) every day!& has stated He's only staying w/me because of our child,that he's not sure he loves me,for we have separate lives:even while living together,his motivation is his daughter& providing for her.He keeps telling her that he wants to hear her voice,meet her,go for drinks,plus other things you only tell someone you are very interested in,when I've acted mad about all his "sexy friends" on Facebook he says its"FRIENDS" & that I shouldn't worry,that I'm the one he comes home to every night,but that he chats with no woman on Facebook.Im in ShockDUMBED,don't know what2do,specially 'cause I'm unemployed,&what if I succumbed to all who say to stay,&pray,&wait4 him 3change?no!,he isnt remorseful,he's no intentions of changing!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anon, it sounds like you have been living like this for awhile. Start to think about how you can escape. Having sex with a minor is illegal. What kind of person is this? A minor can't consent. Why do you keep chasing him? Why are you accepting this for yourself? Figure out how to get employed, lean on family, church or friends until you can get your feet on the ground. Take that energy you are using to chase him around to good use on yourself. You might not see an obvious way out so look further. Get your two feet on the ground for your kids. Then decide what is best. There is always a way out. I know I left a husband who beat the crap out of me for 5 years. To leave him, I slept in basements, was on food stamps for awhile, I borrowed money from friends. A friend loaned me a car with a hole in the bottom of the floor board the fumes about put me to sleep. I hid to escape. He called Family Servives on me. If I can do it so can you. It will make you a survivor forever.

      Delete
    2. Dear anonymous

      I am so sorry for all the hurtful things happening right now. All of us here have been betrayed by the person who was supposed to love us and be our partner in life.

      It sounds like your H is not acting like a loving partner- in fact it sounds a little scary. Please first and for most keep your self and your children safe. Please if you feel or are unsafe please find someone in your life you can trust and ask for help.

      Also living a life of daily betrayal and heartache because of your H's choice is so painful and unbearable. Is it possible to talk to him about respect and boundaries in your marriage. I would suggest you read some of the other info on this site about boundaries. It is super helpful to understand and helps you establish what is ok and not ok for you to feel emotionally safe in your marriage. And see if your H is willing to listen and talk with you.

      I know it is scary when you have stayed home with children and you feel that your have has all the power because he has a job and $$$. But think of speaking to a lawyer or researching information just to know the facts and want your options are. That way you can make decisions with real information not assumptions and fear.

      please stay safe and know you don't have to stay in painful, damaging relationship - you deserve a loving supportive relationship and in no way is your H behavior your fault.

      We are here for you with love and support
      Becky.

      Delete
    3. Anonymous,
      Sweetheart, this has been your entire marriage. And even if you feel called to forgive his behaviour, that doesn't mean you have to put up with it.
      Do you imagine this is what God wants for you? I certainly don't. You deserve love and kindness and respect, just as we all do.
      Please find yourself someone who can help see a clear path out of this pain. You don't need to live like this anymore.

      Delete
  47. SS. Thinking of you and sending love and strength..
    Becky.

    ReplyDelete
  48. Hi Sisters

    Just want to share something that is positive. I have a very dear friend who lives half way across the country, which in the US that is quite a distance and she is coming to see me this weekend!!!

    We have been good friends for almost 15 years and due to different cultural backgrounds some topics have been a bit uncomfortable or slightly taboo for us to talk about. So I have been very reluctant to tell her the full story of what has happened. Well I told her yesterday and she said " I'll be there on Friday". What.... she said " you are my sister and I'll be there on Friday, can you pick me up at the airport or should I Uber?"

    I don't think I have ever felt so loved by anyone outside my immediate family!! Without a second thought to her schedule ect... she was immediately willing to show up just for me!!

    I also received a very compassionate and supportive email from her husband.

    Anyway love you Sisters across the web and thank Elle for giving us a special space to show up for each other.

    Becky.

    ReplyDelete
  49. Anonymous did you post on another thread? I gave you some stupid advice I think. To let him own up and decide what to go. After reading this story, or the abuse and legal status I need to modify. Get the hell way from this guy. Sort the rest out later. Awful.

    SS. I am stoked about you anger. Screw him. It burns me up when we do all of this soul searching and they don't. Well at least he came clean a bit, took long enough. Good bye to him. You go get the rest of your life. As beach girl said, It's not starting over, it's moving on.

    ReplyDelete
  50. Still Standing, I want you to know that the bit of hope that you still feel or want… It is OK. I feel as if it would have been a good thing perhaps, had my husband and I divorced. And who knows? We may still do that down the road. I do feel that, although my husband now regrets the affair as a huge mistake… He did not feel that way in the beginning and I am finding it is quite the struggle for him to not only "forget" the affair but to be fully present in our marriage. Sometimes I feel if we had divorced then he would really know what he is missing. So, frankly, given your husband's behavior, I think divorce is a good thing for you right now. And I somehow feel that it will be you that does not want to reconcile. I feel like your husband will come to you at some point and want to reconcile or stop the divorce or move back in together… I've seen it too many times, affair or no affair. And you, and all your independence, will not be interested. Again, I've seen it too many times before.
    All the best my Dear; and I do believe the universe is unfolding exactly as planned.
    Love and cuddles to you.

    ReplyDelete
  51. Just saying hey, not much to share with or give energy wise. Just so sad and empty, grieving my hope I guess. Or the loss of a certain outcome. Meeting soon to discuss how to inform the kids. I've decided I will not lie to my kids and present a united front on the divorce like I did with the separation (this is what we need to do right now). My kids need to know that I fought for our family. That I do not want a divorce, but that sometimes we don't get what we want. That it takes two to make a marriage.He needs to own his choice this time.
    I'm also going to ask that no significant other be introduced to kids until an appropriate amount of time after the divorce is final and they have had tie to grieve. I know I certainly have no intention of starting a relationship until a) I am free to do so and b) I am fully healed emotionally. I don't need some rebound heartbreak on top of all this shit and my kids don't need to see me medicating in a new relationship before I am ready. I can at least model doing things the right way for them.
    Its o so tempting though, thinking about eharmony and setting up a profile, but I can feel i'd be doing it out of spite or revenge or "i'll show you." Not a healthy way to start a relationship. That is called baggage my friends. But I am so incredibly lonely my friends, now that the future hope of having my friend and lover come home is gone. When I think about the fact that we'll never make love again, that the last time we had sex was in a manic post discovery frenzy, I die a little inside. But no thought gets squashed down. I'm letting it all come up so I can grieve and let them go.
    This is going to be so hard. I'm so worried about money and budget and keeping this house as a safe place for the kids and me. Its huge and expensive and I am going to have to count on alimony and child support to make that happen and his willingness to let me continue to have the kids full time.
    And my head hurts. So much. Non stop for days now. Headache. From crying. From no caffeine, because my heart is racing enough thank you. From worry about my kids.
    I think my daughter knows something is coming. She's pretty tuned in. Both my kids know I have been sad. Pretty abrupt change from upbeat Monday to pretending to function Tuesday.
    The only relief is tat once the kids know, I can be public about it and get all the support I can.
    I stil think he's in unicorn lala land. He has no idea. He's still sending me texts like I hope you get some sleep. I don't respond any more. NC except for kids and business. I just don't think he gets it that he doesn't get to keep ties to me. If he's throwing me out, he doesn't get to keep me in a pumpkin shell. If he wants to assuage his guilt by giving me the house and lots of money to maintain it, I'm fine wit that. And I hope that's how it happens, but if he's done with me as his wife I am completely done with him. So hurt. So angry. Using the anger to propel me forward.
    I need to shower for this session. Dignity first. Self respect first. I will be calm and assertive in asking for what I want ad need.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Still Standing, you are my hero. Our situations are somewhat similar. I haven't felt up to posting here yet and putting all this pain and confusion into words, but I have been reading all the stories from all of the awesome women here like a lifeline. Your determination and positivity no matter what helps to keep me going. Sending love and hugs to you and everyone here. <3

    ReplyDelete
  53. Quick update (and thank you MC12...one more lady in this giant group hug). I feel sad but relieved after our emergency session yesterday. I will get to stay in the house and have the kids full time. Im sort of resigned. I really believe that its ovr, as much as I am disappointed that he let it get to this point before saying anything andnow he's not willing to try to get it back. Shame on him. But through a lot of tears he's promised to make sure we are all taken care of, that we always have this house and enough. I believe it. I'm a little overwhelmed at all there is to do and learn but I am going to take it one day at a time. The next right thing. Be gentle. Let myself grieve. Ask for help. My sis is coming on Sunday to stay for the week. We will be telling the kids some time before Thanksgiving, so they can adjust a bit and so I don't have to go. He gets to deal with that.
    So I know I will be OK. I'm actually probably going to get a lot of money. 17 years means a lot of alimony. And we are replacing my car before we split.
    I also am kind of at loose ends. Like I don't know what my motivation is. It was about being a wife and part of a couple for so long, and then about trying everything to save our marriage. And now, its just about me. Even the painting and piano was on some level a " look I can do things on my own. I can take care of myself." and now I need to do them because I want to. I need to think about what else I want to do or not do. But not now. Slowly. Get through this and wait for the dust to settle.
    My heart hurts. I am crying constantly when I am alone or basically when my kids aren't around. Spent an hour on the phone with my sis. Realized that as I work through this and starting to take care of all the things at my house (how do I winterize the tractor?)that I can ask for help. And I've realized that I can still ask my h for help the first time around with some of these things. keep it business but not let him off the hook, so to speak. And we still have to co parent. I think we will be working with a mediator as much as possible. We agreed we will feel better the more we can just work things out, less expensive and less contentious with less lawyer involvement.
    And strangely. I don't feel like I totally belong here anymore. Like Im not really in just the dealing with infidelity story anymore. Its weird. But since I realize I am not in that relationship anymore. It really ended for me Tuesday, that cheating and the lying aren't directly connected to me anymore somehow. That they are now a past I need to grieve, but since we won't be together, I don't have to have it in my life anymore. Does that make sense? Im sure this will change many many times as I process.
    I'm sad. Tired. Nauseous. Headachy. Having difficulty focusing. But putting one foot in front of the other. this won't be a linear process but I know in a year from now, I will be better. I'm reading a short book on surviving a divorce you don't want. helpful so far. Again just to see someone recognize where I am and what I am feeling. The loss or taking away of love. The loss of companionship. Its another kind of betrayal because I believe it was still a choice. I'm afraid of the loneliness, but I know I won't be single forever and that I will wait until I am ready and make a better choice for myself next time around.
    Love you all.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Here's to new beginnings SS!! Your a warrior through and through... lots of love xxx

    ReplyDelete
  55. Still standing, I want to tell you my sister story. She was together with her husband for 20 years. After what seemed to be a bout of depression, he wanted to move out of their home and get his own apartment. She went along with that; they did some counseling (there was no other woman)… Yet after about a year he decided he no longer wanted to be married. It was devastating to my sister.
    During her recovery she began dating and she met a lovely man. He was separated from his wife at the time; he had three children; my sister had none. They have been married now for nine years and she could not be happier. Your story too, whether it involves a man or not, will be a happy ending. You are truly an amazing spirit and please… I do want you to come back here whenever you want. I would miss you dearly otherwise. No pressure LOL… And I truly know what you mean… Yet please know you are a part of us and I love hearing from you.
    Hugs and sparkles :-)

    ReplyDelete
  56. Thanks Melissa, (you'll notice I'm adding a one to my screen name. We've got another woman who's Still Standing, and I want to keep our stories clear and so we each get the help and support we need).
    I would miss everyone here too. but for my own sanity right now, I have taken myself off of some of the threads. Its hard to hear about folks working through with husbands who are at least trying to "get it" when my never even tried.
    This summer, I visited with my sister in the other half of my state. Her brother in law went through an ugly divorce from an unremorseful, crazy cheating ex some long time ago. This past year he recently remarried. And everyone in the family LOVES her. A 2nd chance for them both. His kids love her because she is sane and makes their dad happy. She married and instantly became a grandma! And I thought at the time, "that could be me." Both sides of the story. That I meet someone great and his family loves me because I am great and make their dad/son/brother happy. And my kids get to love him because he makes me happy and it is a legitimate relationship. I'm looking forward to this. Lots to get through, and lots of healing so I don't start on the wrong foot, but I am hopeful.
    Even while I am feeling used up and dried out and ugly and cast aside, I also know that is bullshit. I'm lovely and in the best shape of my life. if I look tired and hagged, I have good reason. I bought some tylenol pm today, so some sleep will be in my future.
    I'm still getting surges of panic. Usually after finishing an activity that lets me forget my reality a minute. Or when I think about money. I should have plenty but I'm afraid I will fuck it up. I also know I am allowed to ask for and accept all offers of help that work for me.
    Love love love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Still standing 1
      I was taken back by the second still standing and I'm glad you clarified! I'm also hoping that my optimism about my marriage doesn't cause you any stress. I have hope, I am seeing change in my asshole but we've only just begun the journey of healing and I don't expect it to hurt me less the rest of my life even if we are lucky enough to stay married! I still continue to struggle with triggers and I'm dealing with a mother with dementia that was very abusive to all of us girls. I'm so sorry for all the pain I've watched you struggle through and I continue to pray for you to find peace for yourself and your precious children! Hugs!

      Delete
    2. SS1,
      I'm glad you're removing yourself from parts of this site that create deeper hurt. I think, right now, that nurturing yourself and insulating yourself from any unnecessary pain is important. In the months following D-Day, I essentially cocooned. Cut myself off from people, places, etc. and did only what was absolutely necessary. I think of it as reserving all your strength to promote the growth that's going to propel you forward rather than expending energy that will only stunt what you're ultimately capable of. And you will absolutely blossom, SS1. It will take time. It will take self-care. But I've no doubt that you will flourish when it's your time.

      Delete
  57. Thanks Theresa, for your kind words. First, no one here is responsible for my feelings and your stories don't hurt me. My husband has hurt me. You are allowed to optimistic and I am happy for that.
    I am so tired. Another bad night. Visited with my friend, who is also a neighbor. She's divorced and was giving me advice and encouragement. But she is also dating a guy in the neighborhood. This guy is also friends with my h. Apparently this guy invited my h and the ow to attend a football game with him and my friend as a couple! What an asshole. I was stunned. I mean I don't want people to ostracize him, but I didn't expect people (especially people who have encouraged me to fight for the marriage and been supportive of me) to validate this illicit relationship before we're even divorced! Fuck him. My friend was like um no way I'm doing that. I can't have to worry about running into his whore in my neighborhood. I need where I live to be safe. My friend said she would not be welcome on our street if she has anything to do with it. I just cant believe what an asshole this guy is. Im sensitive to betrayal and loss of safety now and here was a big one.
    And I saw the lawyer today. Got some good advice. Going to try mediation first. I don't feel warm and fuzzy about how much I'll get and it is overwhelming and I still don't have a big financial picture. But I guess I'll be OK. Its a big house and I want to be able to live in it and maintain it and not have it fall down around me and still have some of the life I was used to and take care of the kids. It seems unfair that I have invested so much time in his career and now he's going to be making huge money and is just riding off into the sunset. And I will be left on a fixed income. I know once I get on my feet I can grow my business but the point was for me to be able to be part time to take care of the kids and house. Now I still have that but not the same financial picture. I was supposed to be taken care of, to not have to worry about money, to be made safe. I don't know how to budget. I'll learn because I have to. I am afraid of fucking up my kids financial future. I'm afraid of not being able to save and ending up old and poor. I'm afraid of dating (not going to for a long time) and afraid of being alone. Angry that I may have to choose to delay getting remarried to hang on to alimony. Still such long term impact on my life for someone who is being tossed aside. And I still feel sick. Tired. Dizzy. Lost. Why did I even want to be with someone so willing to lie to me and hurt me? And now I just want to be done. And it is going to take some time. And I don't want to rush things and settle for less than I deserve. I hate having to think like this. But I need to keep emotion out and treat it like a business transaction.
    Pray for me ladies. I am so worn out. I know in 6 months and a year I will be doing and feeling differently, but now I need more help, all the help I can get. More and more I can see I've got to stop trying to do everything myself and ask for and let people help me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS1,
      It's no wonder you're worn out. Be gentle with yourself.
      And it is frustrating to see your well-planned life get blown up by his betrayal. Not fair in the least. But, frankly, he doesn't sound like such a prize. I mean, what kind of guy wouldn't be aware of the pain it would cause if he and his bimbOW socialized with your friends. Seriously? He's either clueless or an ass, or both.
      Yes, you do have to treat it like a business transaction. Marriage is a contract and he violated it. You were a dedicated, loyal wife and a good friend to him. And your mother to his children and they deserve a mother who's well taken care of and as stress-free as possible.
      Surround yourself with people who've got your back.

      Delete
    2. You have my prayers, SS1. You are a mighty person and deserve all that is good.

      Delete
  58. SS1 please just try and focus on the here and now ... get rid of all the shit in your head you can't control and focus on what you can... you are one of the most resourceful women on this site I know, you are shit hot on taking care of yourself and I love that about you.. keep up with the self care even more so now, mediation, cake, friends, children there's so much you have in life to keep you focused on what's important right now... I really do believe this is the beginning for you ss1.. your coming to terms with your new reality, yes your hurting but your rising to the challenge as you always do!!!!. no fear SS1 ... believe in yourself .. sending you big hugs.., xx

    ReplyDelete
  59. I'm sorry I haven't checked in in a while. I've been staying busy, and trying not to think of the whole "Betrayed" thing. You know what? It didn't work. Still reminders everywhere. And while I was checked out, Still Standing's world caved in. I'm sorry, SS, although our sisters gave (and are still giving you ) the " Group hug ". I wish I had been tuned in.
    I understand what you mean when you say that sometimes it feels odd to be on some of these threads when you are no longer fighting for your marriage. Elle created this "separated/divorced" thread at the perfect time for me. And for what it's worth, here I am, sweetie. Trying to start over at 46, trying to be the best mom I can be to my kids, trying to make financial ends meet, trying to move on. Sometimes I feel peaceful, to have left all the sordid lies and betrayed trust behind me. Sometimes I feel independent and empowered. And sometimes, honey, I just feel like hell. Depressed and grief stricken. Put on your seatbelt; there are going to be a lot of ups and downs. The good news is, you do work through it, a little at a time. I'm not nearly through with that process yet, but I can see myself making some progress. And I know people who have worked their way through to the other side.
    The beauty of this group is the complete understanding, and the ties we have forged. I tried participating in a "divorced parents" group online, and it did not work out well. They were people there defending infidelity, saying it was OK if you were "in love". Made me want to throw up, and I don't ever want to go back there. I don't like being defined by this horrible thing that has happened to me, but the truth is, I am scarred, and I need people who understand. These sister Warriors understand. We are all at different places, facing different kinds of futures, but we are all coming from the same place. And no one who has not been in that place is going to understand. (To be continued..)

    ReplyDelete
  60. (Continued)
    SS, I have so much admiration for you. It breaks my heart that you were going through this. But like Elle said, this just proves that he does not deserve you. Not even a little bit. And that you deserve much, much better. As I read somewhere else: "The trash is taking itself out."
    I think you are very wise. The lawyer. the financial advisor, all the steps you are taking are smart and necessary. I have also been tempted by the thought of dating or online dating, not because I want to be with someone, but because I am lonely and I want reassurance that I'm still attractive. Like you, I know that is a very bad idea. Unlike the cheaters and OWs, we believe in the sanctity of marriage. It is not just a piece of paper to us. You are smart to wait until you are divorced, and then to wait even longer until you are healed. My biggest fear is that I will never be able to trust anyone again. I'm still struggling with that. I'm certainly not the place to start a relationship, and the truth is, I don't really want one.
    The next few months are going to be a slow tearing apart of your life and his life. Every stage is going to be painful and difficult, but it will get easier, I promise. Take it one step at a time. You will grieve. I am still grieving . That's because we are not shallow people, and our marriages, and our broken hearts, are worth grieving over. It's been one year and two months since my first Dday. It's been seven months since I realized it was over, for sure. It's been four months since my divorce was final. My life has been turned inside out, but I am a survivor.
    I wish we could post memes here. I've been collecting some kickass ones that might lift your spirits! Go listen to "So What, I'm Still a Rockstar", "I Will Survive", and, of course, "I'm Still Standing". Sing, dance, hug your kids and spend time with them. Ride out the depression and grab your joy when you can. Sending you Hugs, Warrior Woman! You. Can. Do. This.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phoenix!!!! I'm so glad you chimed in and glad to hear you're soldiering on. I love "the trash is taking itself out." Perfect.
      Yes, it can be hard to read about marriages that are being rebuilt but that only works IF (and it's a HUGE 'if') the offending partner is willing to do the work. Without that, a marriage that stays together is like a ticking time bomb and I wouldn't wish that on anyone. And, for what it's worth, I know there are plenty of "grass is greener" musings no matter which side of the fence we're on. Those of us who stay wonder sometimes if we've compromised ourselves. Those who leave (or have no choice but to leave) wonder if we could have made it work or if someone else will reap the benefits of our "new and improved" spouses. Thing is, in both your and SS's case, I don't think "new and improved" is on the table. I think it's same-old, same-old. Someone who doesn't want to do the work of figuring out why he betrayed a loyal spouse. If we continue to look outside ourselves for what's missing inside, we're destined to never find it. But...not your problem. Not anymore.
      As dating, consider something my then-eight-year-old taught me. She has struggled with OCD (she's 13 now and doing great) and she used to post affirmations around her room, such as "You are a good person." "It's okay to make mistakes." She still has them and she's given me one that I keep posted to my mirror. It reads: "You are beautiful. You are talented. You are smart. You are brave." And when I read it, I feel all those things.
      Phoenix, and SS and all the incredible INCREDIBLE women here: You are all those things too. You touch every single one of us with your compassion and your support and your basic decency and kindness. That's no small thing.

      Delete
    2. Phoenix
      I've missed you posting as well but have thought of you often wondering how far out of the ashes you have risen! So good just to hear the update and know many of are still thinking of you and cheering you forward as well as trying to be here for still standing 1 and the new ladies as well! Hugs!

      Delete
    3. For affirmation songs I also like Stronger by Britney Spears and Stronger by Kelly Clarkson. Silly but I do feel stronger. And for contemplative but slightly sad Fix You by Coldplay is good. IF you dedicate it to yourself. When you look at it that way it feels good! Lights will guide you home and ignite your bones. And I will try to fix you. It's a love song to yourself. Love yourself. You are enough. You are so enough. His damage has damaged you but you can fix you.

      Delete
  61. Phoenix lovely to hear from you.. that is some kick ass advice you have given there.. you have waded through a Shed load of pain and it's inspiring to hear your journey.. it's great to know you are still standing strong, positive and on the road to a better place.. I'm sure your words will go along way to ss1 and many others who are on this journey... missed you Phoenix ... xxx

    ReplyDelete
  62. Thank you everyone. My sis is arriving for tonight and staying several days. Thank god. One of the blessings here is she and I have grown so much closer thus year.
    I am so grateful for you all. Today especially, your words and voices are lifeline.
    Phoenix so glad to hear from you. Maybe when I catch my breath I can ask you about your legal experience.
    Still standing though I hit my Knees this am. Still breathing. Hugs

    ReplyDelete
  63. Phoenix, just wow is all I can say. You rock and I am so happy to hear you are moving forward. Although I am one whose husband appears to be committed to a better future, I'm not ignorant of the facts of sex/porn addiction and the long term success or lack of the same. It will be a long time before I plant both my feet back into my marriage as the trust is going to take time and ongoing demonstrations from my husband. I have a sacred spot inside my heart that is mine. Your success story, albeit, baby steps, gives all of us hope. SS1, hang in there. Sounds like you have some good friends who have your back and we will hold your heart tenderly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Pheonix!!

      So good to hear from you and the progress of your journey. I am inspired. I think my marriage is moving further and further from reconciliation.... You and SS 1 are lighting the way for those of us whose marriage end and we have to start anew on our own. Thank you. Oh thank you both for sharing your stories here. The example of you courage means a lot for me. My love and support sisters.
      Becky

      Delete
  64. Still Standing, I have started posts to you several times, but the words weren't right. My heart breaks for what you are going through but I so admire your strength. I've seen the compassion you've shown and the strength you continue to show. I think you're amazing! Hopefully on the hard days, you can remember how much support you have here.

    Phoenix, it's good to hear from you! Sending lots of hugs your way!

    I was feeling a little awkward about commenting on this thread as I work to reconcile my marriage, but I wanted to echo what I believe it was Elle who said above. We're all walking our own paths on this journey. At first, I thought I wad an idiot for staying. Then I went through a phase where I felt bad for those who didn't stay. And somewhere along the way, maybe after I read Love Warrior,I realized that being honest and true to yourself can have different outcomes in each situation. And that is, in the end, what I wish for each of us, regardless of what it looks like.
    I went to a dance convention with my daughter this weekend and was so grateful to hear the instructors repeating to these pre-teen/tern girks to love themselves, to be brave in their own ways, to know how courageous and beautiful they are. I sat there with tears in my eyes, thinking of all my friends here at the BWC. So often, we fail to see that in ourselves.
    Love you ladies!



    ReplyDelete
  65. SS1 i will be praying for you. You will survive because you are amazing xxx

    ReplyDelete
  66. SS1 and Phoinex, I have been divorced it takes a huge amount of courage to stand up and demand a better life. Making a change is always harder than sticking it out. I'm so proud to be able to follow your story and read your wisdom. I know your vibes will change as time goes on. Right now you are saying a million good-byes, so long, astalavista baby. Think of the millions of new hellos you are going to make. You realized very smartly it was not right to force him to change. You want someone to choose you for wonderful selves. You have the opportunity to discover what you want to be without him, without judgements, without guilt. Keep in touch. Luv ya.

    ReplyDelete
  67. So, while I am freaking out about not being able to manage money, I notice that I just sent out three invoices for my business and balanced my business checking account and paid bills. Duh. I can do this. I just haven't had to in my daily life before. I can buy a simple home accounting software just like the one I use for my biz and build a home budget and manage my money there. Take some of the fear and mystery away. My only worry now is about having/receiving "enough".
    And he's agreed we can replace my ten year old jeep before we split assets. That's a relief too. And I am going to stock up on food that wont expire like soup and beans and rice. Crazy? Maybe.
    Its funny how I can look at the same face in the mirror, the one I thought was lovely in the summer and just see a tired, worn out, discarded old lady right now. Im tired. My skin is dry from all the crying and the change in weather. And I feel pretty beat down. So I am going to walk. And then shower. And then go out to dinner with my wonderful sis. Thanks everyone for the words of comfort and advice and encouragement. Please keep those cards and letters coming. I feel so much better with my sis here. I know it is going to be hard when she leaves...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS,
      She's still there with you. Try not to dress-rehearse the pain of her leaving when you can still enjoy the pleasure of her being there. Moment by moment.

      Delete
    2. SS

      My heart is with you. I am so happy your sister will be there physically with you, literally feeling supported is huge. Remember to be gentle with yourself, let things slide for a few weeks, if needed while you breath into this new unwanted phase. Order take out! Remember "the next right step". You don't have to do it all or have all the answers right now. Enjoy time with your sister and feel her love along with all the other feelings of grief ect...

      Thinking of you with love and support
      Becky.

      Delete
  68. Elle, you are right. I feel so much better wit my sis her. Period. I also sent a thank you note to the attorney. She was amazing. She doesn't charge for communication (!!!) because she wants me to communicate with her so I don't make a decision that might hurt me because I was afraid of the costs. She so clearly cares about protecting women and families like mine. She is only going to charge me for two hours to review the mediation stuff when it is ready. No retainer unless we get to a point where I need one. Just wow. I feel very lucky to have had people in my life that were able to connect me to her. Can you tell I got some exercise? Feeling a bit perkier.

    ReplyDelete
  69. Hi Ladies,
    I have had so little time to keep up with the posts here. It makes me sad to see the deluge of pain but also joyful to know so many are finding support.
    I wanted to pop in a share a great podcast about knowing when to stay and when to leave. This therapist leads a group in my city for women thinking about or in the process of ending a relationship. I have attended twice. That said, ending my relationship is suddenly off the table. I stuck with my boundaries, got ready to go, and my H appears to be ready to work even harder to keep me around. I am numb from all the back and forth but I am feeling good about this go round of our cycle. Something is sticking. But going through with planning a separation, working out why it was right for me, and standing by my boundaries and needs---has taught me so much. I got myself ready to leave and even though that train hasn't left the station I know I can if I need to. Being able to let go of this relationship has been essential to my growth and has opened up a new relationship, albeit with the same person.
    So I share this podcast because it really is right on about how to decide when it it is right to end the relationship and how to have a new one with yourself and with another person.
    http://together.guide/podcast/how-you-know-when-its-right/

    xoxo

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi MBS

      Thanks for the pod cast info. I listen to it and it was a very insightful conversation. I am moving to towards more acceptance of the very real possibility that while my H and I love eachother he can't be with me in a way that meets my needs. (Sigh my heart breaks a little more..... but I also know that I won't sacrifice my chance to be wholehearted).

      Love to all
      Becky

      Delete
  70. I am so sorry to hear of all this pain we are all going through, especially you SS1.
    I was about to post on the site “you’re kindness is no small thing” when I read Elle’s words and it directed me to the separating/divorce site. Sorry I have been out of the loop, but sending you all much love and hugs.
    I have separated from my h. It’s been six weeks. And it’s now killing me. He delivered this blow 2 weeks before my 50th!!! Arse hole. Yes, I then too wanted the separation….because of all he has done….and not doing to heal us, but I’m thinking I shouldn’t have also wanted it.
    My emotions are constantly up and down, but just when I thought I was going ok in weeks 1-3, I am now NOT going ok and find myself constantly overthinking and worrying way too much. I may have to go back to my IC.
    H has a promotion at work and is away interstate just about every 2nd week which is a major trigger. He left Sunday night without telling me or the kids he had to go interstate!! He could have gone early Monday, so now I’m pissed as to the way he’s not bothering to let his kids know (or me) and I’m wondering who he caught up with whilst he was away. He spent 2 nights away and came home late afternoon today.
    1 week after our separation, I went down to speak to his parents, to see if they could talk any sense into him. H told his parents he had been having an affair, but that stopped 10 months ago. I said that’s bullshit because he’s still been in phone contact with her. His mother said….well they’re still probably friends!!!!!! . I now realise stupid breeds stupid. H and I had a fight Thursday morning and I asked if he’s still in contact with his whore? And of course he said yes. He’s not willing to give up his friendship of 6 years with whore, over our 30 year history. That’s a kick in the guts. So yes I hate him, but why do I love him? What’s wrong with me that I just can’t get rid of him?
    It seems husband is enjoying his “freedom” of responsibilities as he may “pop in” for 10 minutes to see his kids which he tells me time and time again are the most important things in his life. A couple of times he never even bothered to see them at all for the day. I am inwardly angry, because if they are so important you would want to spend as much time with them as you can. He’s also enjoying his “freedom” to socialise.
    Then I am so angry with myself for crumbling in a heap in private, and for having hope he can come to his senses and get himself sorted out when I know he has treated my so appallingly. I’m pissed he’s put me in this situation. I’m pissed with how I’m reading it takes SO long to heal - if it does, I’m pissed that if this doesn’t work out, I will be forced to eventually have to date and go out and meet people -- I don’t want to be alone for the rest of my life, and I’m so damn lonely now. At my age and with 30 years with this one man, my future and that of our children has now been altered because of his selfish ways.
    I’m sorry to vent ladies, but no one else who hasn’t gone/going thru this does not understand.
    How I wish we were all close enough to meet and go out and have fun and forget about this shit load together.
    Gabby xoxoxo

    ReplyDelete
  71. Morning again. Mornings are so hard. My chest hurts, feels like I have iron bands around my ribs and breast, everything aches. Sometimes a tight ache in my right arm. Trying to eat. A banana. Drink water. Some toast. A little decaf with creme. breath. I'm getting my last laser hair removal treatment today and getting a botox refresher on Friday because fuck it.
    Going to see the MC today at one. I guess its not mc now its dc. again fuck it. I've cancelled some of my stuff the next few weekends.
    Did I mention I'm tired? Thinking about all the places where I can/might need to cut corners, cut back, use less, conserve. Because I just don't know what things will look like yet.
    And last night as I was laying in bed, trying to fall asleep, I realized I'm going to have to be naked for the first time with someone again. I'm going to have to have all those awkward history conversations that you need to have to be an honest and forthright partner. Shit. Who is going to want this used but, beat up, franken-cooched, discarded, rejected ex wife.
    My kids are 13 and 17, one n her senior year. great job dad. Way to fuck that up. With her forever. And we need to tell them. I can see the anxiety, their bodies warning them that something is wrong or something is coming, just like mine was telling me this time last year. My daughter has been home two days, fever, but also a disassociative episode, not concentrating, having a hard time with homework. She's got college apps for christmas sake. And my boy, wanting to leave the house less and less. Thank goodness he got invited to a halloween party last night and went. I'm going to have to work hard with him, to get him to use his body and get the anger out. They both are going to have some, lots.
    Just vomit. Shit.
    The sun is shining across my backyard, melting the hard frost off the grass. Leaves accumulating in corners near the trees. Birds, my messengers, everywhere. Each one says "you are loved. You are loved. You are loved." I don't really believe it right now. Don't feel very close to or protected by the Source/God/the Universe.
    He's hurt me so much at this point, I don't know what I feel anymore. If we get the the table to sign on the final day and he said, wait I don't want to do this, I'm not sure what I'd do. I might be willing to give it a try for the kids sake, but there would be some serious criteria to be met. Like NC For.Ev.Er. And really really orking on his shit, owning it and learning to be honest. And no he couldn't just move back home. He'd have to work for it.
    I don't, by the way, harbor any fantasies or hope that this is going to happen. As much as anything it is an exercise in boundaries, thinking about, in some ways, what my next relationship will need to be like. Open, honest, authentic, willing to be vulnerable, show up and be seen. Willing to show that I am loved and respected and cherished. So much better than I've gotten. I've gotten so much less than I deserve for such a long time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Still standing
      I use birds to get me through some very rough patches! Cardinals are my sister visiting from heaven laying her hand on my heart to tell me it's all going to be okay some day. You do deserve more than you've been given by the one you thought you'd count on forever. I'm thinking he's the one that needs to tell the children, they are already feeling like something is wrong but the longer that drags out the more stressed that they will become. No doubt that they will hurt to see the family changed but the truth is they're already aware of this but don't know how to express their feelings. Keeping them active and working through the depression they are likely to have will need some family council as well. Right now you're doing the best you can given all the unknowns for your future. My brother in law never thought he'd be a widower given his health history but yet two years ago my sister had a death from a heart that went undetected and untreated. He's had a rough time with their two grown sons and their families because she was the glue that held their families together. He's doing the best he can and that's what I've witnessed with you and the posts you have been sharing. Your pain can't lesson because he's still causing more and deeper pain. I'm hoping that stops soon for you! Just know that we're all here rooting for you and your kids! Hugs!

      Delete
    2. These feelings will not last forever. It takes awhile to accept that anything is over no matter what it is. Your husband does not have what it takes to care about you, he is an idiot. Although he will try to justify sooner or later regarding his actions through lying. He is not capable of giving you a heart felt apology you deserve. Here are some things I found I couldn't escape that first year. I obsessed how I can hurt him back. I looked for hints on how I could have prevented this. Instead of an affair free day, give yourself permission to have a worry free day. He is trash so just throw him out. Dust off your shit kickers.

      Trying to make you smile about anything. Here would be my new goals. I would learn how to be a kissing bandit. Build a great life so I don't need to take a vacation. Be able to say, sorry I'm busy this weekend. Reinvent my bad self, I didn't say immoral only bad. If your strong enough to make it this far, then maybe the hardest part is really over you just can't see it.

      Delete
    3. LLP, what is a kissing bandit? Btw took myself out to dinner last night because painting was cancelled. It was the h's night to visit and I did not want to be rattling around the house. Had some nice manicotti and bread. Then hung out at a coffee shop until time to go home. It felt good to be out. I was actually relieved that painting was cancelled. Not in the mood. But the solo time with my praline latte and my book was just right.
      I hope you are right and the hardest part is over. I think there are tough days ahead. And chances are his idea of enough and mine are going to be far apart.

      Delete
  72. Write soon gang. I need all the support I can get right now. Love, SS

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS,
      Keep walking, warrior. You're on the battlefield and performing triage on the sidelines, simultaneously.
      I'm sorry for your kids too. You sound like a really awesome, really emotionally present mom. And they will benefit from that. They will benefit from watching you handle this pain with self-respect. You are teaching them how to treat themselves and that's an incredible (albeit painful) lesson. Giving them permission to be in pain, to express that hurt, to honor that hurt, is incredible too. Not how you wanted them to learn it, I'm sure. But is there ever the "right" way to watch our children hurt?
      SS, I don't think you realize it, but you have a legion of fans on this site who are so inspired by you. By your courage. By your integrity. By your hope.
      Keep walking, warrior.

      Delete
    2. Thank you Elle, I keep reading this over and over. I'm hanging on to courage, barely. Integrity, yes. I want to get through this divorce and look back and be proud of how I handled myself and protected me and the kids. Hope? I don't know. I feel neither hopeful, nor hopeless. I just feel spent. I held on to hope that he would come around for so long and that is gone. I'm not quite ready to feel hopeful about my future. A lot of grief to get through still.

      Delete
    3. I am one of your fans, SS. I am so sorry that things are hard for you right now. You will shine through this horrible time. The mists will clear.

      Delete
  73. SS i feel for you, i feel so sad but if its any consolation i met my now H when i was 46, it was the most wonderful time of my life. I know its not much of a good thing that i am here on this blooming blog LOL!!!! The thought of starting again is scary but you will get a new life and your children will be wonderful because they have you. xx

    ReplyDelete
  74. These feelings will not last forever. It takes awhile to accept that anything is over no matter what it is. Your husband does not have what it takes to care about you, he is an idiot. Although he will try to justify sooner or later regarding his actions through lying. He is not capable of giving you a heart felt apology you deserve. Here are some things I found I couldn't escape that first year. I obsessed how I can hurt him back. I looked for hints on how I could have prevented this. Instead of an affair free day, give yourself permission to have a worry free day. He is trash so just throw him out. Dust off your shit kickers.

    Trying to make you smile about anything. Here would be my new goals. I would learn how to be a kissing bandit. Build a great life so I don't need to take a vacation. Be able to say, sorry I'm busy this weekend. Reinvent my bad self, I didn't say immoral only bad. If your strong enough to make it this far, then maybe the hardest part is really over you just can't see it.

    ReplyDelete
  75. Hi there, me again. This Friday will be one m9nth and one week since I left my twenty years marriage where he was cheating for three years. I am bettereally, my home is happy, but I realized something. I don't want him back, yes he's still in love with the mistress, and I still don't know if her husband knows, but they too are seperated. I realized that I want him to realize he made a big mistake. I know it's not going to happen. I know the weak man that he is and that she is the damsel in distress who is making him feel like her savior, and that he walks on water....but....I guess what I'm feeling is that I want them to implode, for him to miss me and feel bad that he did this to us.....I would not take him back...I just want to feel validated? Is that Wrong? Stupid?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi again, I was anonymous, but Im anonymous no more now. I wrote on Nove 1, and before that I told you all about my 20 year marriage and his three year fling.

      Well. I have many good days, but these old feelings of low self worth sneak in. Today I reread a post from his niece calling me every name in thebook and saying the whole family hated me and was glad i was gone and how much they love the mistress/affair partner/love of his life. Why would that still hurt me? he lied for three years, he created for three years, he destroyed our children, he's still hiding his relationship. we are only one month and one week out. we already have a seperation agreement, (no such thing as a legal seperation agreement in Virginia by the way. it's only as good as the paper it is written on). Anyway. he's having trouble refinancing the house to get my name off the mortgage. he has bad credit and no one will refi him. hes been texting me to help him. he wants me to still do the grunt work like i did when we were married. He wanted me to call the bank, to call the clerk of the court, to fax him copies.........NO. I told him that I had done enough and I didn't have the time to continue to help him. I said I agreed with what he said the other day (all by texts, haven't seen him) when he said, "please let me take care of this". Well, I used those words back to him and told him I was letting him take care of this. No reply. guess he wasn't happy. oh well. Why can't his love of his life, whom he wishes he met earlier so he could have loved her longer, do all this for him? Ugh.

      I need a pep talk, I need a hes the scum of the earth feeling. I need the his family hates me speack, so why am i feeling so hurt???????

      Im trying to live with "horse blinders" focusing only forward and not even side to side...just the future. But, like last night, I dreamed about some friends of ours, and he was also in the dream and we were still together ....no sign of an affair....then i woke up... Tried counting my blessings, and saying thank you to God for where I was, am, should be....but now. Im drained! I still

      Delete
    2. I'm so sorry for your pain. You are dealing with more rejection, deception, and pain than anyone should have to suffer. Your pain, grief, and anger are so natural and understandable. You are in the right. These people are behaving in an unbelievably cruel way, and you do not deserve it.
      Stay strong, sweetheart. We have felt that pain, that burning sense of injustice.
      You are so much better than these people. You will survive. You will come back better and stronger than they could ever imagine.

      Delete
    3. Anon at 7:17, it is not wrong or stupid. You want a type of justice if he would only realize what he lost. You want to feel validated. You want to tell him, sorry I'm busy now. Justice is not yours to give but it will come and it may take awhile. Whether it is a source, the righting of the universe, god, I have seen this twice in my life to people who hurt me deeply. One is my first husband who beat me. It took me 40 years to see the justice based on his choices. He is homeless, has very few teeth left, no money and can hardly speak coherently. My son thought I was making up stories about his dad as he was growing up. My son met him for the first time when he was 40 years old. My son called and apologized to me, that I did the right thing. That is justice. The second was the OW who posted a picture of herself with the necklace my husband bought her. Someone needs to call animal control she looks so bad, sick and and unkempt. I told her God would give me justice and when he does and she is laying on the floor, I want her to think of me. That is the last words I communicated to her. Nothing I could do can compare to what a higher power can allow them to do to themselves based on their bad choices. You will see it someday I promise.

      Delete
    4. anon no more, you are so early in this process, so close to having just had your world upended. Be angry, be sad do what you need to do to take care of yourself. You get to decide what is right for you. Fuck his family. What a bunch of shitheads. Don't keep them in your life and don't trigger yourself by looking at their shit. If you can see their stuff on social media, so yourself a favor and unfollow, block, unfriend, whatever. Those nasty comments hit us in a soft spot when we are already not feeling good enough, smart enough, young enough, ??? enough and buy into the garbage society sells us about why men cheat.
      You want justice, you want him and the OW to feel pain, to feel badly about what they have done. If they were capable of this kind of empathy or remorse, they wouldn't be doing what they are doing. Sadly, even if they get some kind of cosmic justice, they still may not get it. No different than an alcoholic, who doesn't "get it" until the "get it" and some, like my mom, never do. Please please don't waste your energy, don't sped yourself wishing hate and violence on them. (I mean its ok to imagine running them over with a car or smashing their heads in with cinder blocks every once in a while. I think this is normal). But eventualy, you are only hurting yourself, causing more pain, staying hooked in.
      Are you seeing a therapist? If not, please cosnider finding one. And don't be afraid to try multiple until you find a person who clicks. Often people who do family and marriage counseling in addition to individuals will be better equipped to help you through your feelings and the fucking awful roller coaster in the wake infidelity.
      Take your focus off them and focus on you. You deserve your time and attention so much more than they do.
      Much love.

      Delete
    5. Anonymous No More,
      You sound fierce! Stay that way. Treat yourself with the respect that he should have shown you. Clearly infidelity isn't his only character flaw. His family sound like quite the bunch too. That they don't recognize you as one of them should be treated like a supreme compliment. You're not. You have a decency that they clearly lack.
      But...I know it hurts. And I know it reveals all sorts of cracks in our hearts that we didn't even realize were there. Cracks about our worthiness, our loveable-ness. You are worthy. You are lovable. His inability to value you isn't about you at all...it's about him and his failures. You'll realize that with time, I hope. That cheating is his moral failure, not yours.
      As Still Standing notes above, focus on you. Don't pay any attention to their idiocy. Be gentle with yourself. Be kind to yourself. Nurture your own heart the way you would a beloved friend. You deserve so much better than him.

      Delete
    6. Thank you everyone! I needed That! I've put up with their hateful attitudes for 20 years. I know that I need to take this time to heal...and yes, I am seeing a wonderful therapist who is encouraging and uplifting. Both my parents and my only sister are dead. I'm the only one left. I have my daughters and son, and two grandsons. I'm trying to focus on them and my work. It's just so small moments, like today at work, I started to answer a coworker with, "like I tell my husband..." and stopped dead. She knew immediately and was really supportive. I hadn't done that yet.... I guess he's just a habit now.

      Delete
    7. I 100% do NOT believe in karma. One of my best friends who only ever wanted to be a parent had her first baby at 26 weeks and right when she was turning a corner died in the NICU. She is one of the hardest working, kindest most selfless people you will meet in life and obviously did not deserve that.

      However the OW in my situation's life basically imploded within a month of the incident being disclosed. My h told me he cheated with this woman, they slept together twice on one occasion and she got pregnant. She was married to an "abusive husband" and she knew my husband was married. She (SO selflessly) told him to come back to his marriage and work on the problems AFTER she had slept with him and got him sucked in with a child.

      She ended up suffering with morning sickness and was hospitalized twice, constantly needing my idiot h to support her with her husband drama and sickness and unspecified "problems" with the baby. It made him feel closer and closer to her while I was wracked with anxiety attacks and he was saying he still wanted to work things out with us but she NEEDED him (and I didn't?).

      In the end she ended up miscarrying which made h reevaluate, I had said if she was having a baby he was going. I would NOT put up with HER and it in my life.

      And THEN the day he cut off contact with her she got fired from her job. It hardly makes me a good person to feel a bit like the universe was punishing her but I have no feelings for her whatsoever anymore. She did me wrong and I feel like she got more than punished for it.

      She is CLEARLY damaged to have married a man after 10 years together that abused her. And to cling onto my foolish h because he was better than what she had at home. Her own mother had told her constantly through life that she wasn't good enough and that she should do anything to keep a good man around (red flags much?!)

      It just goes to show that some of them are really damaged and like it has been said here again and again hurt people hurt people.

      Now if only my h could get his head together and see that he needs to right himself. Right our relationship and grow up into the man I KNOW he can be. He's clearly screwed up in the head. And like many here I still love him and he's my best friend. I've decided to help save myself while he waffles over what he wants to try to let go. He can only make his choices and I can't change him. If he decides he wants back great. Otherwise I'm good enough, I'm smart enough and gosh darn it people like me!

      Delete
  76. Thanks for all the positive messages! I have missed y'all!!
    Halloween night was tough. I was alone, and the depression was hitting me hard. I know, from long experience, that the depression monster tells lies, but I was believing the lies anyway. Comparing myself to women with happy marriages, nice houses, lots of friends. Feeling like a failure. Wishing I had no children, so I could end my life, and I know I could never do that to them ever. That doesn't sound like the Phoenix you know, does it? I''ve battled suicidal depression before. I've learned that the monster is a liar, and the depression passes eventually. SS, sometimes you fall to your knees. And sometimes I crawl back to the ashes. You will stand again, and I will rise. Last night was black. Today was better.
    I am so sorry about your children. As hard as this all is, I know, as a mother, that is the hardest part. I've been the child of a divorce- I was 21 - and now I've been the mom. It was one thing I never wanted to happen to them.
    And yet, over the course of the last few months, my greatest joy and comfort has come from them. Watching Gilmore Girls together. Singing with them. Looking at funny animal videos. Sharing stupid jokes. We've bonded over the silly little things. Hold tight to your kids. There will be times when they take out their pain and anger on you. But they will need you so much. Do fun, stupid, silly things with them.
    I feel better today. I'm in another play right now, which is a good distraction. Don't know what I'all do when it's over. Hopefully I will finally clean my house.
    Gabby, I'd love to go out for a drink with you. Yes, your mother-in-law is moronic. Becky, I'm sorry things aren't going as you had hoped. You are on my mind. YOU have always seemed like the courageous one. Hi, Dandelion! Thanks for the hugs! Lynn, thanks for the encouragement. Sam, Beach Girl, you are the most awesome cheerleaders. You lift my spirits and make me smile.
    SS, I don't know what you look like, but I know you are beautiful. I've read your words and heard your heart.
    Good night, sister warriors.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phoenix, I'm glad to hear from you. Feel less alone in my situation. Thank you

      Delete
    2. Phoenix,
      I know it's not the same thing but I've been feeling down since Hallowe'en too. In my case, it was that one child is out of town at college, another spent the night hanging out a friend's house and my youngest, still trick-or-treating, just wanted to go with a friend.
      And yes, the lies. That I don't matter. That I'm old and washed up. But also the truth: that they're growing up and doing what they're supposed to, which is become more independent and self-sufficient.
      In the end, a mother's job is to break her own heart by raising kids who don't need her.
      I'm glad you've got your acting as an outlet. And I'm glad you understand the deviousness of depression.
      And I'm glad that your kids and you are loving each other through this pain.

      Delete
    3. Elle
      And also to all the others raising children, Elle you're right about a mothers job is to raise them not to need us, and they get to independence one day but they always come back to you in the future and sometimes need you more than when they were young! It's the best feeling ever when my daughter tells her friends that she and I became best friends the day she became a mother! My son lives in the state of Minnasota and I'm in South Carolina but because of social media and text, he has contact with me almost daily but at least weekly. I'm telling you the best is yet to come!

      Delete
  77. SS I am humbled by your honesty. Without a forced divorce looming over my head I have felt much the same as you. Night is my friend. Mornings are hell. I pray for rain. I have been in and out of insanity I am sure over the last week and I realized no matter what. I will be ok. IT will be ok. It might not be exactly the way I want it, but it will be ok. The limbo I am in is killing me. And if I could get on with it I would get on with it, whatever it might be.
    The good part for you? You know. The bitch if it all? You know.
    That hurts like a mutha.

    Btw I hope you stick around through this. Think of how long ago Elle has been out of her crisis yet offers such words of wisdom even though she is removed from that time by about a thousand experiences. I would hope you are here to remind those of us who don't get that type of happy ending that none of us are crazy feeling how crazy we feel. You are wearing it on your sleeve and you hurt like hell, and some of us too will feel like hell and hurt like hell. You are a beautiful battening warrior who shows us we can all get back up. Even if we are sure we won't. Love to you sister. So much love to you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We can all get back up. No matter what has knocked us down. This is moment in your life, not the sum total of it. A painful moment, to be sure. But you are so much more than this moment.

      Delete
  78. So here's what else. I woke not in quite such excruciating pain today. Benefit of having my sis of knowing I won't have to see him today. I can breathe a little. visit with my surrogate dad, reiki Bob. Yesterday, I met with my h at the counselors office. Let him now I was terrified about my future and security because although my lawyer was great, the minimum legal requirements will not be enough to let me take care of the kids and stay in the house. He'd have to agree to pay longer and more than required in both child support and alimony. He said he knows this and agrees, intends to do this. He knows he will be writing checks for college. He says he promises to make sure we are all taken care of and that he will do his best to meet those needs, even though he can't meet all my needs (referring to emotional needs). I interrupted him and told him. You don't need to say this. I get it. Loud and clear. And repeating it when we talk about the rest of this is just cruel. Don't say it any more. I'm crying when I say this but I get it out. I stood up for myself. I'm not going to let him do whatever mental and emotional gymnastics make him feel better about his guilt at my expense any more.
    Then he starts to lecture me about belt tightening. He had been over on Halloween, when I went out to dinner with my sis. I had gotten each of my kids a really awesome pumpkin. They were big and beautiful and relatively expensive and at the time a bit painful because I was thinking "gosh, I probably won't be able to do something quite this awesome next year." So he proceeds to say I saw the pumpkins. They are really lovely, but that's probably $100 in pumpkins and we just aren't going to be able to do this anymore. And I responded and said Hold on. First it was not $100 in pumpkins. And believe me, I was well aware, painfully aware that this is the last time I will be able to do this for them. That every time I am making a purchase for them, I am considering, wondering how or if I will be able to afford things for my kids. That every time we get take out because I am too tired and wrecked to cook I am wondering how much or if I will be able to do this. I. Get. It.
    Again, I stood up for myself. Don't treat me like a child. I am completely fully excruciatingly aware of the financial changes to come.
    But the long and short of it is, he has been consistent in his communications about financially doing right by us. So I am feeling less anxious. We are trying to get in to the mediator to get things started. This will help remove more unknowns for me. My lawyer suggested I get the house, so I have the equity to protect my old age and offset the loss of retirement investment that would have happened over the next 20 years. He balked at that a little because he'd have to take on the home equity debt and he feels like that is punitive. I didn't push because we aren't negotiating yet and I don't think he's considered it relative to the retirement he's taking away and the complete disparity in my ability to replace those retirement earnings between him and me. Thats the shit that gets my heart racing.

    ReplyDelete
  79. part 2
    I think we are going to tell the kids, weekend after this. I won't travel after all. Going to be a shit couple of weeks.
    Be proud sister warriors. In the session I told him, I don't know what is happening or going to happen in that other relationship, but I need to not ever be in a situation where I am going to encounter her socially. The pain would be unspeakable. I think you have no idea how much pain I am in. (He looked morified, crying and maybe was surprised??? I requested this). Then I said, one other thing, even more important. I am not trying to control or influence any outcome in your relationship, but I'm going to ask that we wait until the divorce is final and the kids have had sufficient time to grieve the loss of their family before we even consider introducing significant others. Though I have no intention of running out and getting involved in any way until I am appropriately healed, I also have no intention of introducing the kids to anyone I am dating until I feel it is really serious. I'm not going to further hurt them by having them go through break ups with me. Wow. I got that all out in the session. (shockingly he agreed, he said that was where his head was at with all this too).
    Its all so crazy making. That he can say how much he cares for me, respects me, wants to take care of me. But at the same time no be willing to use that as a foundation to start over. Why?
    Today in therapy, I am going to talk out my confusion. Get rid of the notion that there is something so scary or awful about me that makes him unwilling to try. He admits to being terrified, to not knowing what his life will be like in a year. I bit my tongue and the grass isn't greener comment, bit back the bitter you'll get out there and miss me and regret your decision. One friend has told me, he hasn't hit rock bottom yet.And when he does, he may be too fucked up to admit it to himself.
    Last week I was angry and wanted to take my rings off. Today I don't want to. I want to keep them on until the divorce is final and even then I'm allowed to wear them until I feel ready to take them off. I don't intend to hang on to the past forever, but I can let it go in my own time.
    Gang, pray for strength, abundance, enough, pray for my kids' hearts and souls. Pray for help and support to continue to come my way. Pray for me to see and still experience little moments of joy.
    Yesterday, I managed to laugh with my sis, be silly with bot my kids, help my girl with her homework, reassure her that it was OK that she missed an early college app deadline. That its ok to choose her battle fronts.
    I hope the kids will still trust me and be open with me after we tell them. The family counselor suggested that the weekend we tell them, that my h stay over in the guest room, so we can show we will both still be there in their lives and most importantly, so that I am not alone n dealing with the fallout overnight.
    I'm so angry with him about checking out so long ago and doing nothing to fix it. And I'm so tired of being angry of fighting it, of being in bargaining and denial.
    But trying now to take each day as it comes, keep a lid on my panic. Its so hard to trust that things will turn out OK.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sisters, I don't post much, but I read often. I feel your pain so acutely. I've been thinking about you, Still standing, Phoenix, all day. I remember so well being in that position of having my future ripped away from me. There is no pain like it. I'm a praying woman, I continue to pray for you, and all of us who have experienced heartbreak, fear of the future and that paralyzing feeling of "What do I do now?" I truly believe that you, and we, will be okay, Things work out. Hang in there. Just...hang in there.

      Delete
    2. Your prayers are greatly appreciated!

      Delete
    3. anon73, thank you. Although I know I will be OK, it is so hard to see right now. I don't feeeeel OK. I feel dead. Worn out. Cast aside. Brokne. Betrayed. Honestly the pain of this, betrayal, the removal of love they rejection of me, is worse than the pain of being raped. I can say this because I have first hand experience with both. So much worse to be hurt in this way by the person you trusted most. And that he can't see that I'm worth fighting for. I don't want to see him. I don't want to talk to him. I want him to go away. I need to deal with him until I get the things I need in writing. But then. When I'm gone. I'm gone. Just standing in my grief today. All the stages except for acceptance.

      Delete
    4. SS,
      You are incredible. And your incredible-ness comes through in every single thing you're doing. Standing firm in your integrity. Insisting that your pain be acknowledged and honoured. Not letting him dodge and weave and make this about his guilt or his shame.
      And let me also say that, no, I haven't dealt with separation or divorce. But everything you describe, I've felt. The wanting to be dead. The wishing I could just go to sleep because I just couldn't imagine how my heart could keep beating when it felt as though it wasn't even there.
      I've said it before but it bears repeating (and repeating...): His inability to see your worth is HIS failure. This has nothing to do with your worth. Hell, it likely doesn't even have anything to do with love. It has to do with ease. And avoidance. And an intense inability on his part to deal with emotional discomfort. Far far easier to walk, lured by the promise of something new. Some wake up. Too many don't.
      My dad said, years ago, that he'd see these guys at work, leaving their "nagging" wives, their dull lives. And then, he said, they'd marry someone else who was almost exactly like their wives. And blame them for this new misery. He saw it over and over.
      And he'd shake his head at these idiots who couldn't see that THEY were the problem, not their marriages....

      Delete
    5. Elle, thank you. I keep reading and rereading because I need constant reminding, his inability to see my worth is his failure. He is avoiding dealing with pain, his mine, ours, the kids. And the latest justification is that he "checked out of the marriage long ago." Another line right out of the cheaters' handbook. Its time for me to save myself. His inability to see my worth is his failure.
      Elle, I know you are no where near the age required to be my mother (I might even be older than you?) but thank you for coming into my life and telling me the wise things I'd need a mother to say. The supportive, you are enough statements that I need to be reminded of. I feel so blessed to have people like you and my reiki Bob to be my wise teachers, to light the way to self acceptance and self love.
      I need now to protect myself from the hooks, from his need to keep me his friend because then I am still a back up plan and what he is doing can't be so bad if I can still be his friend. Sorry dude. If I am fired from the position of Wife, partner, lifemate, best friend, then I am all done. You don't get fired from a job but keep doing the parts of the job that might still suit the employer who shit-canned you. You don't get to keep the parts of me that meet your fucked up needs. Peter, peter pumpkin eater, had a wife and WOULDN'T keep her, put her in a pumpkin shell and there he kept her very well. No pumpkin shell for me. Thank you very much.

      Delete
    6. So, so, soooooo true about them checking out. Sometimes I feel I love him but I'm not IN love with him. Does that matter in the grand scheme? No. Marriage is a cycle. Sometimes you love each other more. Sometimes you're not on the same wavelength. My h told himself I didn't love him anymore and built up a lot of resentment against me although I had no idea. Why didn't he just say something? Because it is easier to blame than to look inside yourself. He's very torn because he can't believe how much this has hurt me and he's wracked with guilt. I'm not sure he can or will "love" me again. I hope and pray to the universe or God or the great unknown that he can let go of his own pain at my perceived rejection forgive both himself and our combined failings in the relationship and make a good decision out of all this shit!

      Delete
    7. Ha! Love it!
      All you have to do is be a supportive co-parent. Other than that, you are done. That's the truth.
      But that doesn't mean you won't spend the several months, at least, getting sucked back in by him and by your own feelings. Brace yourself. What doesn't kill you makes you strong? You're going to be freaking Wonder Woman. :-)
      Hang tough, SS! I am thinking about you. I know telling the kids is the hardest part. It was painful, but my kids and I got through it. You will too. Mine are 13 and 10. They know I tried. They know I am sad. And they know I love them more than anything else on this earth, and we are a family. They know their Daddy and I work together for their benefit, because they are important, and the divorce has nothing to do with them.
      God bless and sustain you!

      Delete
  80. Still Standing and Phoenix, you are both on my mind so much today. You too, Steam - I know you're having a rough time. Huge hugs to each of you and to all of you BWC sisters out there. You are all in my prayers. Much love from Starboard

    ReplyDelete
  81. Thanks Starboard
    Ladies, this might be a tough video to watch, I've just seen it myself and it's all kinds of truth. It's called "Better Man" (not the old tune, it's a new one from country music group Little Big Town)
    "We might still be in love if you were a better man" Decide if you can watch based on that lyric. There is no other women triggering stuff in this. It's just hard, still. http://www.wideopencountry.com/watch-little-big-towns-heartwrenching-new-video-better-man/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love this. Though I confess I've been humming "Daddy Lessons" all morning. DAMN, those ladies can sing. And they are powerful. Their strength is palpable. And look at all the shit that's been thrown their way!

      Delete
  82. Still Standing 1. I’m sending all my prayers, positive thoughts and love especially your way and of course to your amazing kids, and of course to you all, betrayed sisters out there- Phoenix, LLP, Beach girl, Melissa, Becky, Steam, Sam A, Theresa, Elle. All of you.
    There are just so many couples I’m hearing about this year that are separating and divorcing. Is there some bad cosmic vibe out there? What the heck is wrong with people in our society (and our husbands)?
    SS. I feel are lives have mirrored each other to a certain degree. Kids about same age going through important years at school, separation, husband saying he will keep us financially secure etc. I hope your kids were able to enjoy Halloween. Stock up on Christmas presents now….and buy extra items that you can put away for rainy days.
    My husband’s still working on his issues, seeing an IC, but doesn’t want to go to MC as he feels it’s too uncomfortable rehashing over his actions – (more like he doesn’t want to face his poor excuse for being a human). His whore is in another state, but he says he needs to work out why he wants the friendship to continue. I’m still confused, but I suppose I am glad he can recognise his problems. Just has he got the guts to fix them? Time will tell. And honesty - Not sure of that one though.
    Life is filled with good days and bad days and heck have we seen plenty of bad days. Thank god for our kids which give us reason to live. I know the bad days don’t always last and love it when I’m having those good days. I now make more effort to be positive and happy thru this shit storm, by starting the day putting on music whilst we are all getting ready for the day. It’s a bit of a ”mind thought” distraction as I’m such an over thinker. Just upbeat music I can sing to (well attempt to sing!!) - NO sad songs. Some days I feel stronger than others. The other morning h came in to pick up the kids for school and I had the radio on and was happy singing to myself. He said “what’s with you?” to which I replied “I’ m happy. Got a problem with that?” He came back a sarcastic “about time”. I told him quite happily where to go! Arse hole. This was a few days ago after an argument we had. Yesterday we had quite a good talk- he gave the impression there was hope. I’m so confused at times.
    SS. Glad to hear you have been able to have some positive times. Wow. Your strength is amazing in dealing with your husband during your sessions with him. It sound as if you are getting stronger in standing up to him. Funny how when we show strength they don’t like it. They don’t like the truth and loss of control I suppose. Keep it up SS. It’s probably you’re realisation of enough?
    Sam A. (I was a bit slow getting on to this particular blog) Glad all worked out for you confronting the bitch. My h’s bitch is interstate and even though they are no longer together, I want so bad to call her and give her a piece of my mind. I also want to let her parents know how much of a whore their daughter is. It pisses me off so much that this adult bitch who knew we are married yet still got involved with my husband and now walks away unscathed!! Where the hell is karma hiding?????
    Hugs to you all
    Gabby xo

    ReplyDelete
  83. SS, Steam, Phoenix, everyone, you are all in my thoughts and prayers. I'm in Maui for six weeks. Just got here yesterday and catching up with everyone. SS, honey, I think I would make sure my husband told the kids with me present. He needs to own up to his culpability in this marriage breakup and you make damn sure he doesn't shine any light on you. When two people have a problem, the mature thing to do is talk to each other and work it out. You cannot fix a problem if the other person doesn't know it exists. Your kids need to know your husband chose to drown his sorrows elsewhere rather than face his problems like a man. Ugh. I can't remember how old your kids are but he is about to blow up their world. I wish I could pour you some tea and hold your heart. Steam, hang in there. My husband is doing really well I think but he was motivated from the beginning to stop his acting out and get his shit together which he is doing nicely. I know that he knows that I gave him a year to see how I felt and that things for him have leveled out but for me, there are triggers everywhere. Life without him would be different but doable and your life will be different and doable. I've got your heart and your back as do the rest of us here. Breaking up the family during the holidays sucks. My parents separated on Christmas Day when I was 14 and I've hated that season since then and I am now 65. I put on a happy face for my family but I absolute dread the holidays. Elle, I am looking forward to your post about getting through the holidays. Honestly, although things are going well between my husband and I it still pisses me off big time that I know his secret life, and everyone else thinks he is a stand up guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks Beach Girl, we will be together when the news is delivered. And the fact of the matter is the kids 17 and 13 will continue to live with me full time. So They'll see me. They'll know I don't want this. And when they ask I will be truthful. They need to know one parent tried hard to keep this ship afloat. How bewildering if it seems that both parents just gave up. I've already told him this won't be like the separating conversation, when I participated and said this is what we need to do. I told him, this is your decision, you get to own it. There's no way I'm lying to my kids and acting like I am fine with this.
      Thanks for your support. Wish I could be where you are for the next six weeks.

      Delete
    2. Beach girl
      I'm glad you are where you are! I'm sure it's a beautiful place!
      That pissed off feeling of him remaining a stand up guy was with me for a time as well but I finally realized that the one that needs to believe that ruined it for himself as my h will never believe he's a stand up guy even though he's made plenty of changes for his own healing. He told me that every time he looks in the mirror he sees the asshole of the century and if he could undo it he would. He has to live with it the rest of our lives and all he can do is try to be a better man going forward and I'm willing to see this happen! Hugs!

      Delete
  84. Anon no more this stuff is So freeking painful. I will never understand how families turn on the betrayed partner. My h's got all in a tizzy and now no one is talking to either of us. He defended me after the bashing began so they mostly cut him off too after the "crisis" point. Insanity. All of it. So painful. My H is taking his sweet time driving home (he's working 2000 miles away) and after therapy and meetings and prayers I finally just asked him why? That it felt like none of the set backs on the road seem to bother him, that these crazy delays that have put him 4 Days behind schedule that don't bother him are causing problems for me (a ton of things to do before Christmas) "great" he says "now I'm all stressed out".
    Why? Because I brought it up? I told him that his turning to the "stress" rational feels like a tool to shut me up, and honestly I'm done shutting up. This is a far cry from 2014 when he was on his knees swearing he'd never do this again, never hurt me again, etc. but for all intent, ignoring his own deep rooted issues. I would not trust that sort of action again. I know he is stressed out facing his own demons but that does not mean that he cant address a question now and then. I frame these things as gently as I can. Done attacking.

    I don't remember the thread or topic where I asked you what you all talk about (because my H seems almost incapable of holding a conversation with me) but I really appreciated all your answers about your husbands and how many of them, to me, felt like they were dealing with the same sort of things, the inability to engage in anything that taps into anything emotional. They can talk about what they DO but not how they feel. It's hard. I long for a deep conversation with him now and then and fear, even if he's here. I will never have one.

    Halloween marked 3 years since his outrageously bizarre behavior in 2013 which I found out later was the date he paid a local hooker for a blow job. Last year, unbeknownst to me he had started up with the whores again and locked himself in a bedroom for a couple of days and refused to talk to me. So now until the end of the year is really tainted for me. But it stresses him out so I should not ask how he feels about coming home.
    Ok. What's wrong with this picture ?

    I'm Just stuck right now. Of course I can have these kinds of conversations with friends. He never will and I have never thought he would fulfill all my needs. I have always known he was not a talker, or a girlfriend so I have other places to fill those needs. But I'm not going to live superficially with him all the time. I think he wants to come home. I think he wants to finished this work project. But a heartfelt "I wish I was with you" would feel s lot better than " I miss you, but--"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Steam, What I find interesting is this is how our marriage was. if I brought anything up big or small how I was feeling then I ruined everything. I was the problem. He was fine until I brought it up. Well now I understand more than ever that he was hiding so much and running from us. This is really a hard part of this recovery. I think some of it is we developed habits as individuals and as a couple. I think men are really told and enforced to act more stoic and less emotional or engaged. I think it is how they cope with what they do or have done. My husband is a pretty sensitive and insightful person and in the mental health field but it has been hard for him. He takes it all personally no matter how delicately I speak about topics with him. It really got as simple as he had to stop trying to fix everything I talk about or put a band aid on it and just listen to me. Sometimes I just need to be heard and have him say I can see why you feel that way. Even if he feels differently. And I think one of his biggest changes is not becoming defensive when I bring anything up to him. It created a scenario where I stopped bringing anything up since I was always the problem or to blame. It took a long time past dday for me to explain this and for him to really understand it.

      As far as him not being able to be emotional or on a slightly deeper level that is hard. I know I have posted before that this one article hit home with my husband. But it is just a magazine article so not a big commitment like a book. It was in the Atlantic and called Masters of Love. It talks a lot about John Gottman's work. It was the first thing that my husband connected to. Then we saw the one act play of Men are From Mars Women are from Venus. And a year later he still talks about that too. And not about oh that was fun but brings up what he learned from it. It was really shown through humor and serious moments. Not sure if that can be found on youtube or anything. And maybe those things are not helpful at all. But I needed to find some way of making a connection of how I was feeling and getting across to him what I needed.

      Delete
    2. Keep communicating, Steam. I don't know why it's so hard for these men to open up, but you DO deserve to have your feelings heard. Especially in your most intimate relationship.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Phoenix and Hopeful, I know that Masters of Love article and I am trying to remember the time frame that I was reading it to him, it was in the car and my guess is that it was decemember 2014, when the original D day had passed more than a year previous and I thought we were through the worst of it all. We were doing really well at that point.I am going to re-read it. My shrink says that it's almost universal, that a woman wants to talk and talk and the guy just wants to never bring it up again and move on. She didnt say that was right, she just said, that's how they operate, almost without exception. That is's shockingly difficult for them to revisit. I am trying to think of some of the worst things I have done in my life and how hard it would be to talk about them. I have and I do, but I dont think they have had the same impact on anyone as what he did to me and how I've been effected by it. I have a request out to him now---or rather a boundary. There is ONE thing I want him to read before we walks in this house again. It's one request, it's one boundary and I will enforce this one. He's had all his "me" time and its time to throw a little "steam" time in there. Thanks for your support. It continues to mean a lot.

      Delete
  85. Good to hear from you gabby.. here's to more good days!!!! Sam xx

    ReplyDelete
  86. Dear SS1, Phoenix, Steam, Anonymous and all of us !!

    I read this yesterday and immediately thought of us – and how so many of us have embraced everything with such an open heart and courage. I am sending you love and support. This spoke to me albeit “tough” may be understatement…. “Choose love over fear!”
    Love and support sisters!!
    Becky

    When the going gets tough may I resist my first impulse to wade in, fix, explain, resolve, and restore. May I sit down instead.

    When the going gets tough may I be quiet. May I steep for a while in stillness.

    When the going gets tough may I have faith that things are unfolding as they are meant to. May I remember that my life is what it is, not what I ask for. May I find the strength to bear it, the grace to accept it, the faith to embrace it.
    When the going gets tough may I practice with what I’m given, rather than wish for something else.

    When the going gets tough may I assume nothing. May I not take it personally. May I opt for trust over doubt, compassion over suspicion, vulnerability over vengeance.

    When the going gets tough may I open my heart before I open my mouth.

    When the going gets tough may I be the first to apologize. May I leave it at that. May I bend with all my being toward forgiveness.

    When the going gets tough may I look for a door to step through rather than a wall to hide behind.

    When the going gets tough may I turn my gaze up to the sky above my head, rather than down to the mess at my feet. May I count my blessings.

    When the going gets tough may I pause, reach out a hand, and make the way easier for someone else.

    When the going gets tough may I remember that I’m not alone. May I be kind.

    When the going gets tough may I choose love over fear. Every time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Becky, you just made my day! I copied this and pasted it into a word document and it is on my desktop so I can refer to it when I need to. Being at the beach doesn't mean "Life is a Beach" after this betrayal trauma and this is a wonderful reminder to be kind to ourselves. Give the little girls inside of us a hug cause their insides hurt.

      Delete
    2. Thank you!! Love you, Becky!!

      Delete
  87. Becky, love this. I am copying it so I have it to read all the time. What a great thing to have in my head every day. 100k hugs

    ReplyDelete
  88. Wow Becky - so moving and appropriate... for ... life!!! Thank you so for sharing. ❤️

    ReplyDelete
  89. Ss you make so much sense.. I can tell through your writing you are getting stronger on a daily basis... whether your going forward then back and forward and back again your healing, growing in strength right before our eyes... your h is a fool you my dear are a force not to be messed with!!! keep doing what your doing ss you won't go far wrong.... lots of love ❤️ xxx

    ReplyDelete
  90. My younger daughter turns 11 tomorrow!
    We will celebrate next weekend, because I had 6 performances of my play this weekend. Her daddy took her out for sushi, to her favorite playground, and to his apartment where there were a bunch of gifts set up for her. And he sent me lots of pictures. I am grateful, and so happy for my baby. And I love him for doing all that.
    The other day he texted me that he had been asked on a double date, and wanted to know my feelings about it. I restrained myself from sarcastic comments like "You didn't ask my permission when we were married - why bother now?" I told him it was his personal choice, but thanked him for keeping me in the loop. The next day he told me he had turned down the date, and asked again if there was any chance for us? I responded with a long text reminding him of why I can't trust relationships anymore. He didn't respond to that, and, as usual, the reminder of our ruined relationship depressed me.
    The thing is, I always knew he had a problem with honesty. But I thought he was loyal to a fault, and I thought he loved me. Maybe he does love me, who knows - stupid slippery word - but loyal he was not. And I know he regrets it, but I am scarred.
    And the last couple of days, I have noticed a slight shift in my thinking. I have been telling myself for months that I don't believe in "love" anymore. I have felt that I will never trust anyone again. After all, if your best friend and life partner can turn on you, whom can you trust? But after my last conversation with him, I've been reminded that trusting wasn't my mistake. It was trusting the wrong person. He is a lovable man with many good qualities. But he has always had a problem with honesty. in a nutshell, there are two reasons I can never go back to him: He is a compulsive liar. And I can never forget the things he said in those texts I saw. Knowing that he could say and do those things, for months and months after D day, created a lasting scar.
    So now, for the first time, I am opening the door in my mind to the idea of maybe, maybe trusting someone again someday. It's been three months since my divorce, and nine months since I last had sex. I'm not ready now. And there is no one around that I am remotely interested in. But in my mind, the key has turned. The possibility is there for the future.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Phoenix, I'm so glad you feel a key has turned. One day at a time. Sometimes its little healings that take place and sneak up on us and we notice that something that used to hurt, something awful, don't quite so much any more. And sometimes its a choice, a reclaiming, a deciding, I will no longer allow this to haunt me, to hurt me. For me it was closed doors and our basement where his office was. Closed doors hide things, hide sneaking and secrets. I would obsessively go around opening doors that were closed in my house. Once he moved out, I told myself to stop. I also created a letting go ritual for myself. When I think about things that happened in rooms in my home, I take a sage smudge stick and light it. I walk around that room and fan the smoke into the corners and tell the ghosts its time to leave. That its my space now and there is only room for love. Its not magical, its just about intentions and changing my own mind.
      And then my daughter comes home and asks if I've been smoking pot. Not so much, kiddo. Just clearing the air, clearing the bad juju. Making a decision to no longer hurt myself with ghosts.
      Love you Phoenix!

      Delete
    2. Phoenix, So glad for you Phoenix. For all of us wherever we are it seems like gradual baby steps are best. You sound so confident and in such a good place. My husband and I are still together but your description of him checking in with you and how you felt about getting asked on a date is so similar to my husband and his friends asking him to do things. In the past he always did what he wanted and even if he did ask me it was more telling me what he was doing. Now he will bring up what he gets asked to do and asks me what do I think about it. It is hard some days I want to say that I never want him to see or talk to his friends again. But I know that will not solve anything. It is interesting though to me how my husband comes to me asking what I think. I honestly wonder does he not know what is a good idea or does he know and is seeking my approval.

      I love that Still Standing you burn sage. I diffuse essential oils and have found it really beneficial to my mood. It helps depending how I am feeling, what is going on with my husband or the weather being blah or bad.

      Delete
    3. Dear Phoenix

      Imagining a different future for ourselves can be hard, but powerful and I think healing. I have imagine all types of things.... going back to school, new relationships, living on Caribbean islands, changing careers. Some of these are more realistic than others and I'm not rushing to do any one of them, but it is healthy to realize we can fully live and love without our H and maybe just maybe find a love. There is a man at work who recently remarried several years after a very painful divorce. He is so happy and committed to his new marriage- that is possible for any of us. And we all deserve healthy respectful relationships.

      Love to you Phoenix.
      Becky

      Delete
  91. Super lonely weekend. Drama. Tired. Too much to write. But the intense loneliness lifted just a bit as all your posted poured into my in box. Thursday I bought new mattresses for my girl. Had to check in with the h. The woman started to give me the hard sell about buying now because (the place was doing a going out of biz sale). nd I said, look, I just ofund out I'm getting divorced. I can't spend this money without checking in with the stbxh. The lady looks me in the eye, puts a had on my arm and says "you are going to be ok." She proceeds to tell me about how her h of 30 years had an affair, divorced her and then when the affair fell appart begged to come back. She said no thanks and that her life is great and she's very happy. She also gave me an extra $100 off he mattresses. She listened to my story with much empathy and told me I was beautiful and would have no trouble making a new life for myself. She told me to eat more, that she got very thin like me. And she gave me a hug as I left the store.
    The next night I had to coordinate with the h to do the pick up. Was painful, awkward. Earlier in the day I know he had gotten together with his sister because "he felt like he was losing his mind." I was like ya think? Trying not to hpe that that means anything other than that he is in freefall now he's faced with having to tell the kids. So mattress pick up. As we are walking out of the store he proceeds to talk about the mediator and how this person has not done one before and no experience but wanted to do it anyway. I said no, absolutely not. Once outside the store, almost in tears I said, can you please be a more sensitive about how and when you discuss things like mediation with me. I don't need to throw up or start crying in the middle of the store. He apologized at least and then excused himself because he had been out of it all day. Like I am supposed to have sympathy with the pain of his own making.
    That night, an old coldplay song came up in my feed, The Scientist. It so summed up how I was feeling, I said fuck it and sent it to him. He said it made him cry.

    ReplyDelete
  92. Part 2
    I woke up at 4 composing a letter in my mind of all the things I had held back, about his bullshit attempts to "get in touch" with his feelings for me all while still carrying on with the OW. I sggested he read up on how affairs work and how the "I checked out long ago" and the "I love you but I'm not in love with you" is text book cheater rationalization. and that others have been there, and when they have woken up, been horrified at what they almost lost. About how his porn and other extra curricular activities systematically eroded his feelings for me. I included links to scholarly articles about the same. And about how pissed and disappointed I am that he didn't put the same energy into bringing back that he put into squashing down. I put so much into that letter about the lasting impact on our kids, our lives, the ripples to all the people around us. To really think about what he was doing. It was a good letter. Maybe I'll sanitize and post it here. I don't expect it to change his mind. The letter was for me. For all the times I bit my tongue because I didn't want to scare him away. And now I've said those things, told him what he needed to hear even if he is incapable of hearing it.
    Went out to a comedy night fundraiser at the local fire hall with neighbors. Was a fun time. Weird mements when I was laughing so hard I though OMG I'm about to cry. My good friend says when your overall emotional level is high, it can happen. Its hysteria. Its OK. I felt like a crazy person. One neighbor got very drunk and started crying on me about my h and how she always thought we were such a great couple and things could still work out. I started crying and said you have to stop. You can't say things like that to me, so not helpful. Just shit. ya know?
    Tough night being on, fighting the trigger in the comedy bits, dealing with that drama, and being out as the fifth wheel with all the couples.
    Next morning I went horseback riding with my son. It was his bday present to me. It was a lovely day, beautiful sky, beautiful animals, saw hawks and deer. We really enjoyed it. Spent most of the rest of the day being lazy, meditating, resting, napping, hanging out with him. Did some grocery shopping. Tried to read some books on surviving divorce but they all seem to be so bitter. And that is so not where I am or what to end up.
    Today I am sad and tired. Feeling fully depressed, but I showered. I have a few errands. I will try to get out to walk. I have painting. I plan on leaving early and taking myself out to eat so I don't have to see him.
    I feel very very very alone. But am so glad I have you all.

    ReplyDelete
  93. Hello sisters.

    After 3 months of separation my H finally wanted to talk..... he said some things about wanting to know and understand himself that made sense and made me encouraged. But so many of the things he said about us and marriage seemed so out of touch with what has happened to us and what it would take to heal together. It was confusing. Also of course he still has contact with the OW. This conversation was hard on me and I cried and cried after.

    More and more in my head it pretty clear that as much as there is love still existing he is not going to show up and meet me on this journey. But my heart, oh my heart just screams how much I love him, begs for him to see what he is casting aside, and breaks over and over again.

    Sometimes, I think how can it still hurt like this?

    Love and support sisters
    Becky

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hang in Becky, you are such a lovely golden soul. It hurts because you are a wholehearted person committed to life and love. It hurts so much. I get it. I can't say anything to make it better. But i am here with you. I am holding you in your pain. Much love.

      Delete
    2. I hear you, Becky. I met my h for a 'walk and talk' on Saturday (his parents came to watch our child - at my request). He spent some time taking photos of the scenery. As if this beautiful day needed to be captured and revisited. He is just unable to talk - to anyone. He is unable to face what needs to be faced. (He also is still in contact with the ow after one month of separation from me.) I hope that your man will get his act together and see what he risks losing. I think that the 'affair fog' can last for a very long time and it affects their perception of everything... including memories of the marriage and earlier events in their lives. At least, that seems to be the case with my h. I wish you strength and love.

      Delete
    3. As long as these men are still in touch with the Other Woman, they are going to be unable to really get clear and acknowledge what they've done. I would advise each of you to avoid contact until they've cut off contact. Or keep contact limited to only what you absolutely have to be in touch for (ie. children).
      These guys are fence sitters -- happy to sit between two women, writing their hands about "who shall I choose?" and reveling in the drama. Cut it off. If you taking a stand of self-respect is all it takes to push them into the OW's arms for good, then you were going to lose him anyway, one way or the other. But he needs to really feel what it will be like to not have you in his life.

      Delete
    4. Elle you are so right. I feel better on days when I don't have to have contact than when I do. Texting now is business or kids only. I felt like I wanted to throw up when I noticed him in the voting line yesterday ahead of me. He still seems a little surprised ??? that I don't wan to see him or talk to him, don't want to run into him socially. I think he had concocted in his head that we would still somehow magically be best friends after this. Um no. I will be polite as is necessary to take care of and coordinate about kids and to ensure my safety and security. He tried to hug me after our session yesterday. I stepped back and shook my head. He doesn't get to provide empty comfort to me to assuage his guilt. I think finally he's starting to see that if I'm fired, I'm not still showing up for work tomorrow.

      Delete
    5. Elle's right let these men go.. who the hell do they think they are flitting from one to another like it's the norm.. don't let it happen ladies, it would be a whole different story if the shoe was on the other foot.. like Elle says keep contact to a minimum .. don't let him know you want/need him show him your doing just fine without him.. I talk from experience I'm 7 months from d day 2 been living separately for 7 months.. we speak we have to we have children together.. at some point we will have to decide what we both want.. however I've made it Chrystal clear that if I find out ( and I always do) he is in touch with the ow whilst we have been separated it's bye bye and divorce is underway .. I'm no doormat yes we're separated but we've not given each other the green light to sleep around and untill we decide on our future I expect him loyal to me and our children.. whether he does or not is up to him like Elle says he will either grow the hell up or he won't... but I refuse to be in the middle or apart of his 'dramas' I'm so bored of his bullshit.. I've moved on : ) xxx

      Delete
    6. Thanks Elle. That sounds hard but probably the best course of action. I'm going to do some serious reflection this weekend.

      Delete
    7. I have to back Elle and other up here on the now contact with the OW--mine was with a real prostitute, every single time. The "good" ones, good at their GFE jobs, gave him the time of day and made it feel VERY real to him that this was a two way street. That this one "REALLY" did like him. I saw the texts and even I believed that she was very interested in him, until i saw a few things, like her short waning responses when it was apparent that she would not be getting cash from him any time soon.
      He actually told me he was in contact with her "as a friend". OMG, kill me now, he HONESTLY thought his was ok. She was about 5000 miles away but he kept in touch. When I found out he was still in contact, I was DONE. I was seriously honestly DONE. this was still going on for a month after we started a reconcile in August, 2 months after d-day. I found out in September I saw the texts, there was no talk of sex in them after he told her I had discovered them. He told her he was working things out with me and he told me he just turned to her to talk, and it really helped him deal with the pain of losing me. well screw that--in my world she did not get to be his crutch. I saw he wrote to tell her he would no longer be in touch, best I know they have not been, and since that day he has been more present and also in more fear. Good, fine. Feel the fear. What do they think we have been going through, through all of this? I swear to you they cannot, cannot think straight with this OW, no matter how they met, in your lives. They just don't believe it. their minds are very different. I guess that is the fog. I think any therapist will tell you nothing can move forward with a 3rd party in your life.

      Delete
  94. It"s wrong, Becky. It's so wrong. Love should last. It's wrong, and it's so painful and unjust. I'm sorry, honey. I hurt for you. I understand how unreal and horrible this all feels. I am sending you my love and prayers, and virtual hugs that I wish were real ones. You will get through this. It's no hard to feel it right now, but, little by little, step by step, you will get through this. You WILL. You are beautiful. You are lovable.
    I know you love him. I know you don't want to let him go. I know you still hope for the best, and I hope that for you. But I also hope that, one way or another, you will soon be out of this painful limbo. You can't begin healing while you are still being wounded.
    I hear you. I feel your pain. I will be thinking about you today.

    ReplyDelete
  95. We are closing in on a full page 2, thanks in part in to my "I'm too tired to write, but here's a post in two parts because it is so long."
    Rough night. Had what is probably our last session with the MC last night just to talk through how we are going to tell the kids Friday. This Friday. I think I wept for an hour and a half. Just non stop in the session. Talking about all the hurt about how he can't see what he's giving up, about how hes retold our story in all negatives, my disbelief that he is giving up without trying, that he can't see that I am worth fighting for, that I fought for him.
    But anyway, we have our plan. He's going to speak, just simply let the kids know the separation will be permanent, but the living arrangements will remain the same. The we both love them and will work together to make sure they are taken care of. I'm not sure I will even be able to speak.
    But then we will let them have their reactons and feelings. My daughter may express relief or vent on her dad or articulate that she saw it coming. And she may leave to go stay with friends. My son, will be crushed, hurt, angry, he may break stuff. If so fine. I've agreed to let the STBX H stay the night in the guest room and we will call the rest of the weekend as I and the kids need. I will probably need to go lay down and cry, but I will acknowledge this to the kids and tell them that if they need me they can absolutely come into my room, ca lay with me and cry too if they wish. or if they want to get out of the house, I can take them etc.
    But so much grief yesterday. Next session will be with some form of mediator to start winding this shitshow down. Cried in my car, then called my sister to talk until I felt ready to drive. She's amazing. She somehow filled me with hope and helped me see for a little while, that my h is incapable of seeing the real me and letting me even be me and she feels this overwhelming upwelling of hope for my future, that I'll find someone fully capable of loving me as an equal, the real me, as I deserve. Someone that is happy and can be happy with me, rather than expecting me to make them happy.
    But I woke at 4 again, worried about money, my old age and had to talk myself down. But now, wen I start ruminating on why, and wish and if only. I interrupt and let those thoughts go as best I can. I need to focus on self care more than ever. I need to work on cutting my own emotional ties to him. I know it will be hard. I know I will circle around this many times. Trying to just be in today and not dress rehearse pain to come.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. SS,
      My therapist had a theory that we all have a certain number of tears to cry. It's hard for you to imagine but they will dry up. And you will look around and see that you're okay, that old age isn't to be dreaded, that you have wonderful children and that you have the freedom to be you. The day will come, I promise. And I, for one, can't wait to hear about it when it does.

      Delete
    2. For me, it's a series of stages and realizations. You hurt about one aspect of it for a while, and then you realize that aspect is starting to heal, and it doesn't hurt as badly as it did. Then another aspect hits you, and you wrestle with it for a while until it loses its power to grieve you. And so on, and so forth. I've still got a ways to go, but I can look back and see my progress. Sometimes, like today, something relatively unrelated will bring back the pain. But you deal with it. And then there are the firsts: first anniversary of Dday, first Halloween, first birthdays, Thanksgiving, Christmas, Valentines. They are mile markers for me. As I go through each, I am checking it off my list as one more step towards healing, towards a new life.
      I'm glad you and the STBX are working together for the kids; it sounds like you really have a handle on how to be there for them. Hopefully all of the other issues will be settled relatively smoothly, so that you won't have added stress and pain.
      Your future is bright, there is much joy still to be had. You just have to work through some dark times to get there. I have examples all around me people who have made it through, and come out the other side better and stronger.

      Delete
    3. Thank you Elle. I needed to hear from someone today. I know I have to cry them all out to get to a better place. So I don't fight with the tears. What I need to figure out is why I hang on to people who hurt me, why i agree that I deserve to be hurt (my mom, my ex friend the rapist, my husband). I try to fix them so that they will approve of and love me. But that doesn't work does it? So I've got to let them go. I can't save them. And saving them doesn't prove or disprove my worth. I need to have the courage to let go and try something new. I believe I've already saved myself. I realized over the last few months, that I have not been free to be myself. That I have been pressed down with not being enough for him, for some long time, years, not being enough to make him happy, as if that was my responsibility. No wonder I was depressed, stifled, anxious and self effacing. Now I get to just be and like myself as I am, love myself as I am, no apologies. Make myself happy. Do things I wasn't allowed to do.
      I'm sad for the grief my children will have to process. But I hope I can show them how to handle it, not by trying to fix it for them, but by showing them how I handle my own.
      Its dim and rainy. The sky cries with me. Next step is learning to let go of the past and what can't be or isn't. Then on to brighter things.

      Delete
    4. And Phoenix, you are a genius. So insightful and so clearly lighting the way ahead. I'm glad to have you with me.

      Delete
    5. SS,
      Oh my goodness, I am the QUEEN of fixing (ie. "helping") people. Story of my freaking life. But one day, in my 20s, I walked into a therapist's office and saw a sign that read: "Help is the sunny side of control." Wham. That's what I was really doing. Trying to control people around me because it made me feel needed. And, I had somehow concluded, if I was needed, then I was less likely to be abandoned.
      Fast forward a couple of decades and I still struggle with feeling worthy of love and respect simply because I exist. I still get my high off of "helping" people. I volunteer, I sponsor refugees, I organize marches, etc. etc. All good stuff. But I have to be constantly aware of my motivation because my esteem comes from feeling needed. It likely always will to some extent. But I can counter that by getting involved in things that only speak to ME, by really noticing when I'm trying to get people to like me or value me by being useful to them rather than by just trusting that I'm likeable.
      And SS, you WILL show your kids how to manage pain. They will have more pain in their lives. None of us gets through without painful experiences. But by watching you care for and respect yourself, you're showing them how to manage it. You're showing them that pain won't swallow us whole, that there are healthy ways to respond, that we can trust it will pass.
      Letting go of the past is a process. You're grieving not only what happened but what will never be. It takes time. Then...brighter things indeed.

      Delete
  96. Hi I'm new here and my story is long, but familiar to all of you. I'm hoping you will let me join your group as I need all the support I can get right now. I'm just over 12 months out from DD1. Husband had ea/pa and usual stuff. Found his soulmate. Wanted to leave to start a new life with her. Changed his mind within 24 hours and came back but spent next 8 months flitting back and forth with contact. He was also suffering anxiety and depression and I have been caring for him, emotionally, practically, financially. We also have a ten year old. He made a suicide attempt in June which was incredibly traumatic. Contact apparently stopped after that but he has been flip flopping between making attempts to sort things out and then being distant (sleeping on the sofa etc). His AP is overseas and he has to make a work trip there. I have been majorly triggered as you can imagine. He has been there for the past few days. I have been locating him via his iPhone. Short version, he just lied to me about his whereabouts. Seemingly for no reason. Actually not sure he was even up to anything but I have snapped. I can't be with someone who lies so easily. Especially at a time when he should be doing his darndest to reassure me. I am pretty sure it's time to call it quits. I have endured so much and put in so much effort for so little in return. I'm terrified.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Anonymous- I know that terrified feeling very very well. I am with you. For a year I was absolutely terrified of my marriage ending and because of that terror I was absorbing an enormous amount of pain and responsibility in my marriage. Meanwhile my H essentially continued an EA, lied to me regularly, and only gave lip service to how he was hurting me and our marriage. Finally after a year I was able to accept that the person I thought I knew and loved was also the same person who was doing all these hurtful damaging actions and it was way past a safe healthy situation for me and we separated. I really had to face the fear that my marriage could end and I would be ok. That it is better for my marriage to end than live with the ongoing betrayals. I deserve better! As foreign as the idea seemed there is a me separate from my H and I deserve a happy healthy life and relationships. All of this also applies to you! You don't have to live with ongoing betrayal - you deserve better!
      Facing the reality that my marriage may end is by far one of the hardest things I have ever done.

      Work travel for me or my H was such a hard time and full of triggers for me too. Be gentle with yourself and use both fun/ relaxing activities (kids, friends, excercise, art, meditation, calm breathing etc...) to help get you through this period while he is away. Also maybe consider using some of the time to think about you and a options for a next step, when you are ready for one. Gather up information so you can make informed choices and not choices based on assumptions. One step at a time. We are here for you.

      Love
      Becky.

      Delete
    2. Anonymous, you don't need to ask to be a member of this club. You are welcome and supported here.
      We have all been where you are. That terror, that post-trauma response, is perfectly reasonable with all that you have been through.
      And, I suspect, with caring for him, you haven't been caring for yourself. What you've gone through with you son is devastating. And you absolutely must make yourself your main focus in order to be able to be there for him too. At this point, your husband needs to man up, stop dragging the rest of you into his ridiculous drama and start behaving like a grown up.
      I don't blame you for being fed up. I am too. I want to smack him.
      Whatever you ultimately decide, it is okay. There is no right or wrong way through this pain. Just let yourself feel it, find yourself the support you need -- from this site but also with a therapist who has only your best interests at heart, and trust that you will get through this. I promise.

      Delete
    3. Anon, there comes a time, no matter how much you love someone, when you have to say: Enough. You are toxic to me. I will not be victimized by you anymore. Only you can decide when that time will be, when your limit is reached. When I reached mine, my resolve was hardened and I closed the door. I think my ex was stunned; he really thought I would open it again at some point. But once I came to terms with the fact that I would never, ever be able to trust him again, it was over. And it was the right decision.
      It's hard, loving a compulsive liar. They can be genuinely caring and tender, and sorrowful for the pain they have caused. They can be genuinely depressed, and you feel sorry for them. They can make firm, sweeping resolutions to change. But in my experience, they don't. And you suffer and go through the same old cycle of anger and pain again.
      Welcome, Anon. We're sorry you have to be here, but we're glad you've found us. We understand better than most what you are going through.

      Delete
    4. Thank you. It's overwhelming to have the loving support of complete strangers. I am on the train to work and in tears. I have told him I don't want to communicate with him for the time being. I have previously sought legal advice and will be doing so again. I feel as though if he were going to truly make an effort to make this work he would have done so by now. The weirdest thing is that I take on board some of the stuff he says. I get confused, what if I'm over reacting? Being hysterical? Then I think, even if he were doing nothing untoward, he still lied. At a time when he knows I'm highly anxious and triggered. He still deflected and accused me of picking a fight and of snooping. And his next move was to lock down the ability for me to locate him. I'm so scared. I'm also scared in case he is not OK. Having made an attempt on his life I worry what he could do. He is at least staying with good friends. I feel sick. Not sure how I will make it through the day and keep things normal for my son.

      Delete
  97. Thank you both so much. Can't tell you what it means to feel the care of complete strangers at this horrible time. I'm seeing a family lawyer this afternoon and my IC later today too. Am so sad and so scared. I flip between thinking it's me (I'm over reacting, being hysterical) and then thinking hang on he's lied. Again. At a time when I am most in need of reassurance and transparency. I struggle so hard with focussing on myself and not being at the mercy of his moods and actions. My wellbeing seems to be totally dependent on his mood and actions. Doormat much?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Scared,
      You don't need to tell us -- we KNOW what it means to feel supported and cared for by other women who absolutely know our pain and aren't judging us in any way.
      Regarding the war in your head, it can help to imagine what you might tell a friend (or a sister or a daughter) if she was in your shoes. You would look at the facts. And then you would advise accordingly.
      As for the recognition that your well-being is dependent on his moods/actions, that is valuable information to have. Because now you can pay attention to that and challenge it. You can get to the root of why you can only feel okay if HE is feeling okay. And that, my wonderful warrior, is the beginning of positive change.

      Delete
  98. I actually had a few minutes last night where I felt relieved that he is going to be out of my life. That I don't want him back as he is; an unremorseful sex addict in denial about the problem. That all the years of lies, of emotional distancing, of making me the problem partner, of behind the scenes shame, of wishing I could feel loved without having to provide sex to get it, that all that is over. Its. Such. A. Relief. Decades of porn, 4+ of massage parlors, topped off by one year of extra marital affair and blaming me for his choices all along the way. Did I participate? Yes, Co-dependence learned from caring for an alcoholic, sex addict mother. So I am starting to feel relieved that I don't have to live this way anymore. Especially since he refuses to do the work to change, doesn't see his part of our issues. So for a few minutes, instead of grief, I felt relief, I felt that things will be ok. I felt a little excitement for my future.
    I just need to look at my own patterns and make sure I don't find and get involved with the same person again.
    And today, I got a call from a potential new design client, meeting them on Monday. Just when I needed a boost for my business to feel like I could possibly do this. Thanks the Universe.
    PS Still scared out of my gourd, but getting stronger every day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Still standing
      When I read such an optimistic post from you it gives me hope for all of us walking our own uncertain paths! I'm cheering for you to get the business up and going and even though you continue to be scared, girl you are making so much progress and in my humble opinion helping me/us all to reach for the stars! Hugs and attagirl all the way!

      Delete
  99. Ss don't you just love them moments that make you realise that life's not that bad after all... coming to the realisation that actually being without him is a relief is such a big step forward and I'm so pleased for you.. your realising your self worth!!!!! Soooooo important .. and when that penny drops it all makes sense..

    I truly believe god will only put in our path as much as we can handle.. you my love have passed the test.. onwards and upwards ss.. big hi 5 to you xx

    ReplyDelete

LinkWithin

Related Posts with Thumbnails